Narcissists hijack regular relationship dynamics. Here is a mathematical explanation of how they do so. Imagine any person has some units of energy they can dedicate to any activity. Let’s say that, at any given time, they have three available. Let’s symbolise them as an « E », for Energy. When we start some activities, they will require some attention to get started, and may require one or two units of energy. So we invest E or EE and, once we get somewhat proficient, we get back E or EE. For instance, playing sports with friends requires E or EE (unless we aim to be professional, i ..read more

If you have recently ended a relationship or cut ties with a narcissistic individual, congratulations on taking a crucial step towards regaining your emotional well-being! Recovering from the trauma of being with a narcissist can be challenging, but it is entirely possible to heal and thrive again. Here are five simple steps that can help you on your journey to recovery: 1. Acknowledge and validate your feelings: When in a relationship with a narcissist, it is common to question your own emotions and experiences. Allow yourself to recognize and accept the pain, confusion, and anger you may fee ..read more

Breaking up with a narcissist can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally draining experience. Unfortunately, many people make common mistakes during this process, which can prolong their pain and even give the narcissist an upper hand. Firstly, one common mistake is failing to establish strong boundaries. Narcissists thrive on control and manipulation, so it's crucial to clearly communicate and uphold personal limits. Remember that, if you don’t establish strong and healthy boundaries, the narcissist will keep showing up in your life or will keep you in their clutches, and moving forward ..read more

A fair question, and I debated whether it would be productive that I do. This is my thinking on the subject. On the one hand, it would reassure people and would lead to more business for me. However… One of the most common cognitive biases that lead to people being abused by toxic people is the « authority fallacy » which goes like this: « because this person has a PhD, they MUST be right when they talk about this subject. So I don’t need to think. » This would make sense if all PhDs on one subject agreed. But they don’t. So what happens? We usually pick whichever PhDs agre ..read more

There are so many articles and videos on the topic of dealing with narcissists or healing after narcissists. Some of this content gives tips to “make it work”. If I wanted to by cynical, I might believe that this is a process that provides a captive audience over time. But much content forgets the first and most important step: FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FACTS ARE. That’s right, no justifying, explaining, understanding, forgiving, blaming, fingerpointing, or anything else. Just, plainly, observing. And getting the facts right. If it’s snowing outside in July, I will be surprised. But if I get my fact ..read more

Relationships with narcissists and toxic people, whether at home, at work, at Uni or with friends, drain us of our time, energy, peace of mind, mental and often physical health. But there is another cost, far more terrible, that we seldom think of. I recently experienced a nearly fatal event with someone very close to me and it made me realise this cost. In this video, I share with you what I learned. If you would like to download the spreadsheet I created, just click the button below. You don’t need to sign up to receive it, however I will launch a community offering of sorts. If you would li ..read more

So you need to deal with a narcissist or a toxic person? To avoid losing to them, remember these 5 key ideas (watch the video here): What is their goal? They want something from you. But they also want to save face. Use this to your benefit. Create tension, show them that “if I give you want you want, you’ll lose face.” Or better: “the fact that you want this gives them impression you’re…” Create more tension: “I could do what you want, but if I do that, then people will think…”. Or “I’m worried that if I do this, then people will…” For example: “You want me to cancel my plans with my frien ..read more

Sounds bad? Sometimes we are bad. Sometimes we have bad ideas. Sometimes we want revenge. Especially after an injustice. We want to right a wrong. We want someone else to hurt the same way they made us hurt. Welcome to the shadow. Yes, that’s part of you. And me. The border between good and evil runs inside every heart. And the people who don’t integrate their shadow can become the worst monsters. They will righteously create hell. Tempting? Of course. Through is a bit of arrogance, and most of us are there. Now that light hearted bit is out of the way, how do you hurt a toxic person? How do y ..read more

Amidst the Covid pandemic, we’re all concerned about catching Covid and we’re aware how it’s propagated. But seeing how conspiracy theories propagate, what if we thought of some ideas like viruses. They infect hosts, harm them, and spread? Let’s push the metaphor: in a healthy body, we can encounter pathogens and the body either does not become infected, or it can deal with the infection with minimal suffering. In less healthy bodies, there are vulnerabilities that are exploited, that allow the pathogen in, to wreck havoc. This, incidentally, is what happens with computer viruses. There’s a vu ..read more

So someone you’re talking with says something that hits a nerve and says, for instance, “Western women are easily offended”. How do you interpret this? Is it a “sign-of-a-bigot”? Is it poor wording? Is it an observation? Choosing the explanation Like most statements, there are probably “more than one” possible explanation of what the person meant. Let’s imagine there are four explanations: A, B, C and D. A is the most charitable, the one that reflects best and demonstrates the kindest possible explanation. And D is the least charitable, the one that showcases this person as an idiot, or a “bad ..read more