The independent Bear Complaints Commission has found that there is no evidence that bears are guilty of shitting in the woods. The misconduct watchdog, made up exclusively of bears, has been investigating allegations that bears have been excreting in forested areas for a number of years. Complaints from members of the public about the smell and sticky texture of bear droppings have been flooding in for the last few decades.  Bruno the bear, chairbear of the commission, stated: “Bears have a very difficult job to do in areas with a lot of arboreal growth. There is a common public misconc ..read more

Chris Rea has been forced to abandon plans to drive home for Christmas after it was announced that Middlesbrough has entered Tier 3 Covid restrictions. A disappointed Mr Rea will be spending December in the car park of Newport Pagnell services after losing his Berkshire estate gambling on stock car racing and underground puppy fights. “I’ve been living in my car now for about 3 months. I’ve been happy on the road all summer long. September was a bit blue and Christmas in the car is going to be a bit chilly, Newport Pagnell is a bit of a windy town.” “I’ve been dying to get back to the Boro f ..read more

Brain eating microbes in the water supply in Lake Jackson Texas have been found either starved to death or suffering from extreme malnutrition.  Tests have confirmed the presence of the amoeba Naegleria fowleri in the system. The amoeba can cause an infection of the brain, but given the absolute absence of brains in many parts of Texas many amoeba have been struggling to surive. Brains are rare in the Texas, with fewer than 34 reported between 2009 and 2018.  “We got lost and somehow found ourselves in Trump country.” A formerly deadly brain eating bacterium told the Rochdale Heral ..read more

Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Leighton Buzzard ollowing reports of a massive humanitarian disaster. Search and Rescue teams from the Red Cross and Medecins Sans Frontier were responding to images of devastation in Leighton Buzzard after the town was hit by an earth tremor registering 3.9 on the Richter Scale. “When I saw the pictures of Leighton Buzzard on the internet, we knew we had to come and try to find some survivors in the rubble.” A spokesman for the UN Earthquake Relief Team told The Rochdale Herald. “But ..read more

Chris Witty has shocked fans around the world after signing a multi-million pound, multi-decade deal to become the new face of Andrex bog roll. The 54 year old epidemiologist, Chief Medical Officer and toilet roll salesman has ended his close partnership with Lidl own brand loo roll, quitting the German brand after only 1 year. “Nothing sells bog roll quite like an epidemiologist with a terrifying message about home isolation and death.” A spokesman for Andrex told The Rochdale Herald. “He’s got a light touch and is quick on his feet, he’s the perfect spokesman for the brand. He’ll also be a ..read more

Following reports that some people around the UK have been able to get a Coronavirus test the government has appointed the Bohemian novelist Franz Kafka to sort the service out. Mr Kafka will be responsible for redesigning the website, the booking system and ensuring that only people who don’t need a test can get access to one. “Mr Kafka’s expertise on incomprehensible bureaucracy, absurdity and existential dread clearly qualify him for this vital role.” A government spokes-hippo told the Rochdale Herald. “Obviously it’s vital that the UK doesn’t run out of Coronavirus tests, ensuring that n ..read more

As the UK government is apparently comfortable breaking international law over plans to unilaterally overwrite part of the Brexit withdrawal agreement, The Rochdale Herald has learned that a number of career criminals are equally happy. Harry “Hatchet” Higgins told The Herald “I’m happy as a pig in shit mate.” “You’ve got that Cummings geezer doing what he wants when he wants so a few mugs go to the beach. That was one thing. But now the bleedin’ front bench is breaking international law with impunity. Well it’s a green light innit?” Whilst we’re not likely to be arguing with “Hatchet” in a h ..read more

A Rochdale resident has discovered the existence of an NHS Test and Trace Centre on the surface of Venus. Scientists believe that the existence of such a centre to be linked to emissions observed in the atmosphere of Venus that could indicate the existence of life on the planet. Bill Board told us, “My son was sent home from School on Tuesday with a cough that was persistent. I went on the Test and Trace site to get a test otherwise he’d have to self isolate for 2 weeks. Anyway, the nearest test centre is on the surface of Venus. We now need to travel about 42 million Kilometres to get there ..read more

The leaders of some of Britain’s major grouse shoots have reported that children’s birthday party bookings are up 100%. Hubert Chomlomoley-Wearnear told us, “Normally at this time of year we’re taking bookings from people whose family tree is a straight line. However, we’ve seen a sudden surge in bookings for kids parties. It’s great for them. It will get them out of the house and learning about nature. Plus, with no deal Brexit, the skills of pray hunting will be invaluable. Our game keepers are also excellent teachers of Chemistry as well. Kids will be taught the best poison for killing Re ..read more

The UK government has announce a new initiative to spend £100bn on a COVID-19 testing programme, the Rochdale Herald has learned. The initiative, the budget for which totals almost that of the entire NHS England budget for 2019-2020, has been nicknamed “Operation Cumshot”. This is due to its obvious objective of spunking £100bn over the faces of the usual Conservative party cronies. “I’m delighted!” Anthony Farquar-Hunt, the 3rd Earl of Little Shittington, told The Rochdale Herald. “My bank account is going to look, to all intents and purposes, like a plasterer’s radio once good old Boris has ..read more