Psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute separate couples into two major groups: the “masters” and the “disasters.” Masters remain happily together, while disasters either break up or are chronically unhappy. In Masters of Love, couples share thoughts about marriage and tell us what they have learned along the way. Dan from Seattle, Washington met Nancy from Fort Worth, Texas in the fall of 1971 on Orientation Day at Richmond College in a suburb of London, England, where the two were studying abroad. They were married two years later. After living in the Pacific Nort ..read more

    If the pandemic has taught us anything, it's this - humans need each other. Even those of us who enjoy alone time and appreciate life's current slower-paced version will agree, being confined to a mere handful of face-to-face connections 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is not optimal.   Our prevailing human need to connect during a global crisis has launched the innovative concept of a Pod –– doing life with a select group of people (without masks and social-distancing). The Pod has undoubtedly been a saving grace for many neighborhoods and communities worldwide the ..read more

There is a thin line between sacrificing a lamb and striking a deal with the Devil. Photo: Kerry Lusignan We give up whole parts of ourselves to belong in our families. In turn, for those of us who dare to come home to ourselves, we risk losing our family and severing the ties that bind us. When I was twenty-one, I became the first member of my family to earn a college degree. In hindsight, this seemingly positive milestone, or the culmination thereof, both gave and spared me a lifetime of heartache. By achieving an advanced education and moving just an hour from home, I unknowingly left ..read more

    We can discuss the first presidential debate between Biden and Trump from a multitude of angles. We can analyze it from the vantage point of history, political science, or social justice. We can fact check it or hone in on themes. We can comment based on our limited perspectives, personal values, and agendas. Alternatively, we can think out-of-the-box and look at the dynamics witnessed during the debate from an entirely different viewpoint –from a couple's therapist's lens, applying the research gleaned by psychology's giants like John Gottman, whose work spans four decades. He ..read more

“I’m asking you to leave.” I can barely move my lips — they’re all tremble; this is what happens when you live in a cage — everything atrophies, even the delicate flesh of your mouth. The rusty cell door stands ajar without your knowing it. The key is in your back pocket, and you sit there for years. It’s old witchery — the kind that tricks you into believing days have passed when, in fact, it’s been eons. Like Echo calling out for Narcissus, your voice bounces back to you in infinitum; half of you diminished, and the other half screaming holy hell. Extricating oneself from a relationship can ..read more

    Scan the cover of any tabloid magazine while waiting in line at the grocery store and you’ll probably see advice for how to be better at foreplay or how to make your partner orgasm, but you probably won’t see anything about what comes after sex—a period psychologists call the “sexual afterglow.” In a 2017 study, Dr. Andrea Meltzer and her colleagues found that the sexual afterglow functions to promote pair bonding in romantic couples. Their research showed that sexual satisfaction remained elevated up to 48 hours after sex, and couples with a stronger sexual afterglow reported h ..read more

    I've been a promise keeper for most of my life, only breaking promises when left with no other choice – when a murmur in my heart began pounding so loud that it overruled me. There was the relationship that lacked kindness and mutuality – the friendship laced in honey and venom. Backed into a corner, I'd reach a tipping point, culminating into a reinterpretation of a commitment a former version of myself had made. It was visceral. My body would hijack me, revoking my privilege to call the shots. I'd wake at night. Lose my appetite. Develop an aversion to hugging or sex with a pa ..read more

    Discovering an affair can be a painful and confusing experience. Discovering amid a global pandemic can be even worse. And if you’ve been cheated on before, it can trigger an emotional response characteristic of PTSD. You probably want to run for the exit, but don’t leave the relationship just yet. In many cases couples can recover from an affair, and even come out stronger on the other side. At NCCT, we’ve helped over 1,000  couples over the last 10 years navigate turbulent waters. There is hope if both partners are willing to put in the work. Before deciding how to move f ..read more

    During a recent session with a couple, one partner lamented an aggravating and ongoing dynamic within his family-of-origin. I paused, sighed, and said, "Family." To which he replied, "Yeah... the other 'F' word". Later, I reflected on my client's evocative rendering of the family and how it suggests shadow. Where there is shadow, there is also light. In his book, Care of the Soul, writer and psychotherapist, Thomas Moore, characterizes one's family of childhood as the "raw material from which we can make a life." Indeed, the family-of-origin is a paramount starting point to the ..read more

If you and your partner have a sexual desire discrepancy (SDD), a term psychologists use to describe when one person wants sex more frequently than the other, you’re not alone. In fact, according to a 2015 study conducted by Samantha Joel, the director of the Relationships Decision Lab at Western University, 80% of couples experience a sexual desire discrepancy in their relationship. We also know from research that sexual satisfaction plays a significant role in overall relationship satisfaction. According to Metz and McCarthy (2010), when couples report high sexual satisfaction, it accounts ..read more