My Mom Likes My Sister Better
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
Last weekend my daughter randomly giggled and asked, “Mom- Did I tell you the dumb thing Dad said when the two of us were on that school trip to Europe last year?” I found this to be immediately suspect considering her selected phrasing of “dumb thing.” As in singular? Unlikely. “In front of everyone, Dad was trying to be funny and said, ‘The name’s James…Bond James.’ I haven’t even seen the movies and I knew he jacked it up.” I just stared off. Mike’s inability to recollect the vernacular of even the most remedial phrases is my second favorite thing about him. The first is personal ..read more
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The Mail Fail
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
For those of you who are not currently aware, I co-wrote a book last year. Yep, a real book. It is super funny, bratty and brave. I especially love it because I did not expose all my deep dark secrets rather, it is about this other chick, Stefanie’s, love life. I would totally tell you more, but I am just going to let you order it because it is only $20 and this is my job. Now, I would have written about my own love life, but that could be summarized in one rather anti-climactic paragraph: I had one boob and wore a back-brace in high school because I had scoliosis. Nobody really wanted to ..read more
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I Sh*t You Not
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
Yesterday, I finished working out with #PaleoJesus (my personal trainer, to whom I awarded this moniker after I decided he probably adhered to a strict Paleo diet and is totes into the Bible. But he isn’t lame, I just made him sound lame. Like you should definitely workout there.) Anyway, I got in my car and my Bluetooth immediately began translating a voicemail from a girlfriend of mine. I heard, “Erin- Found out some shit about Brad. Inaudible….I carried out a body. Inaudible…I left his house. Call me.”  AND. THIS. IS. WHY. I. DO. NOT. MAKE. FRIENDS. PEOPLE. It all begins with ..read more
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My Mission For New Boobs
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
I only have one boob. This is completely indicative of my personality even in utero. Like I guarantee fetus me was super-duper focused on designing my future tits. And then I got bored and decided to just go pick out my femurs real quick, which then led to me flipping through hair and eye color swatches, and ultimately deciding on which model of pancreas I wanted. Meanwhile, I totally forgot to go back and fix my future knocker and the next thing I know, I was being pushed out into this weird world. It was too late. Anyway, I had my boobs done ten years ago. It was probably one of the best ..read more
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A Room of One’s Own
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
As cute as it is to tell people that I wrote an entire book in my closet, I finally decided that it was time to rent an actual grown up office space. I wanted to be able to write and not being constantly interrupted by annoying things like laundry and my family asking for dinner. So now when people (and by people I mean my husband and children) ask where my office is, I simply tell them I found a quaint, reasonably priced, underground bunker…in the desolate Nevada desert.  Being the responsible renter that I am, I did my due diligence before I signed on the dotted line. I asked the property ..read more
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I Married the Perfect A-hole
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
Mike recently had his first colonoscopy. Calm down. He is fine. I, the heroine of this blog, am still totally screwed up. Like I. Have. Seeeeeen. Things. People. The day before Mike ruined my life, I went and picked up his laxative prescription. I also bought him some soothing wet wipes, vaseline, magazines, and scented candles because I am thoughtful like that. I then left him alone so he could do his business. *I did wake up around 2am to go check on him and discovered him lying in fetal position on the floor next to the bed. Mike made a super unattractive moaning noise when my two giant ..read more
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The Mail Fail
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
For those of you who are not currently aware, I co-wrote a book last year. Yep, a real book. It is super funny, bratty and brave. I especially love it because I did not expose all my deep dark secrets rather, it is about this other chick, Stefanie’s, love life. I would totally tell you more, but I am just going to let you order it because it is only $20 and this is my job. Now, I would have written about my own love life, but that could be summarized in one rather anti-climactic paragraph: I had one boob and wore a back-brace in high school because I had scoliosis. Nobody really wanted to ..read more
Visit website
I Sh*t You Not
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
Yesterday, I finished working out with #PaleoJesus (my personal trainer, to whom I awarded this moniker after I decided he probably adhered to a strict Paleo diet and is totes into the Bible. But he isn’t lame, I just made him sound lame. Like you should definitely workout there.) Anyway, I got in my car and my Bluetooth immediately began translating a voicemail from a girlfriend of mine. I heard, “Erin- Found out some shit about Brad. Inaudible….I carried out a body. Inaudible…I left his house. Call me.”  AND. THIS. IS. WHY. I. DO. NOT. MAKE. FRIENDS. PEOPLE. It all begins wit ..read more
Visit website
My Mission For New Boobs
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
I only have one boob. This is completely indicative of my personality even in utero. Like I guarantee fetus me was super-duper focused on designing my future tits. And then I got bored and decided to just go pick out my femurs real quick, which then led to me flipping through hair and eye color swatches, and ultimately deciding on which model of pancreas I wanted. Meanwhile, I totally forgot to go back and fix my future knocker and the next thing I know, I was being pushed out into this weird world. It was too late. Anyway, I had my boobs done ten years ago. It was probably one of the best ..read more
Visit website
A Room of One’s Own
Erin Says
by erinsays
4y ago
As cute as it is to tell people that I wrote an entire book in my closet, I finally decided that it was time to rent an actual grown up office space. I wanted to be able to write and not being constantly interrupted by annoying things like laundry and my family asking for dinner. So now when people (and by people I mean my husband and children) ask where my office is, I simply tell them I found a quaint, reasonably priced, underground bunker…in the desolate Nevada desert.  Being the responsible renter that I am, I did my due diligence before I signed on the dotted line. I asked the property ..read more
Visit website

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