You are not good enough. You failed. You are the worst mother ever. What a horrible wife. Why do you even try. No one even cares. No one understands. It’s never going to get better. The darkness will always consume me. I can’t do this. You need to do more. It’s your fault. Your not trying hard enough. You deserve this pain. You never do anything right. You are only a burden. You have nothing to offer anyone. Lies. Lies. Lies. They are always circling around my head. It’s messy trying to sort out the lies. My mind is battling itself. A lot of the time I don’t know what I actually feel and think ..read more

I’m so mad. Angry. Ticked off. No. It’s more. Bigger. Deeper. Rage. My body and mind are filled with rage. I feel the control slipping out of my hands. I can’t hold on any longer. My body is tense. Stiff. My hands. They are no longer mine. A piercing scream escapes me. My insides are going to explode and it’s all going to come out. It starts small. There is trash on the floor. The trash can is full. One kid is clinging to my leg. The toys are scattered. My stomach is growling. Pants! Where are my pants! There are no clean clothes! I can’t even find a dirty pair. Now I hear more crying and whin ..read more

Picture a warm summer day. Close your eyes. Feel the warmth of the sun. See the light poking through your eyelids. Pure bliss. These are perfect moments. Even in winter months it’s possible to have glimpses of these pockets of sunshine. As part of my journey through the darkness I want to always search for the pockets of sunshine through all seasons of my life. Picture a bleak winter day. A sky covered in clouds. After the storm breaks the sun shows its face again. The glitter in the snow shines ever so brightly. Against the gloomy gray days the sun feels even more glorious. Throughout my ex ..read more

She was only a few weeks old. It was a snowy winter. My body was past exhaustion. Sleep was always on my mind. I knew having a second child would be hard. I had experienced the “baby blues” in the few weeks after birth before. But what happened one winter day was so terribly horrifying that I knew it was not categorized as baby blues. It took all my energy to bundle up the kids that day and get out the door. I thought some fresh air might ease my feelings. Maybe a walk would be enough to give me a little lift is what I thought. We walked down the block- my son trodding along in his boots. I ha ..read more

Recently I took a metaphorical New Years plunge into icy water. Despite the fear of jumping, it was refreshing and healing. Since starting my blog I haven’t shared it with anyone I know. Well as part of my newly made commitment to be completely honest, I shared my blog with some friends that I felt safe with. I wasn’t really expecting any responses from anyone- well maybe a hey you can always call or something like that. Getting a response was not my goal. I wanted to be honest and in doing so maybe helping someone e else who is struggling. My friends opened up and shared some amazing experien ..read more

November 2019. One of the worst days. A turning point. Some of the details are muddled but others have yet to be erased in my mind. Crying in the hospital parking lot pleading to go home. Crying “I won’t do it. I’m not going in there.” Being driven back home only to curl up and cry on the bathroom floor. The desperation in my being as I told my husband to take the kids away, that this was an emergency. The hole in the bedroom door is a reminder of the intensity of those moments. After dropping off the kids my husband drove me into the big town and took me to the emergency room. They asked me w ..read more

Some days are really dark and I feel trapped in my own mind with no one to hear my cries. Today I want to share a few of those thoughts in the form of a letter to the one who loves me. I know your frustrated and so am I. I hate that I hate myself and that I hate my life. I’m trying so hard to get better. It feels like it’s not working and I’m just defeated. I don’t know what else to do or try. It’s isolating. Every time I ask for your help or take you away from school I feel guilty. It’s my fault if the school doesn’t work out and my fault if you don’t pass because I couldn’t give you more. I ..read more

For a little over two months I have been in job hunt mode. Iv’e filled out a least one job application everyday. I’m not trying to be too picky but I mean- there is a lot to consider. The hours, the job, if I need to find day care, how much is daycare, is there even good daycare, will the job be in the way of getting the health care my son needs, um I need any job so we can pay the bills, and the list goes on and on. Yesterday as I was filling out yet another application there was one question that caught me offgaurd. Do you have a mental illness? As I read through the list of illness, there ..read more

My brother has scars along both of his arms. I think most people can easily guess the cause. At some time he cut himself. I remember when the scars appeared but I only could see a small piece of the picture. A few years ago, while on a walk with me mom, the topic of self harm surfaced. My mom questioned why anyone would ever want to do that. I shrugged off the question; the world went on. Inside though I knew. I knew because I had done it-and not just once. Of course I was sure to make mine not as obvious as my brother’s scars. But I knew where they were hidden. I’ve never been able to admit t ..read more

Our stories have no beginning or end but here is my beginning Today I was reminded of the first time. The first time I wanted to kill myself. It was on a slide- a metal one that was part of a homemade tree fort. I said it out loud to my two friends out of anger. “Fine I’ll just go kill myself.” I really felt it and was not just using it as an expression. This was when I was in 4th or 5th grade. A few years later I said it again. This time to a friend while I was at a camp. We had been crying about everything there is to cry about, and I let it out. The other times are a little blurry. Except f ..read more