Most Certainly Megan
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This blog was created to hold space for my writings, which are mostly about mental health and OCD. I am so passionate about speaking openly about mental health in hopes to normalize it because I think when we internalize it we aren't able to heal.
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
When the acoustic strum charges the air
Everyone lifts their hands to the sky
But my trembling fists remain clenched at my sides.
I search the pews with wary eyes for confirmation
But I do not feel a spirit here.
She was with me on the rarest scene
A blanket of white purity covered the Evergreens
Crystalline flakes fluttered downwards delicately
Kissing the top of my nose with care.
I can now remember the world when filled with childlike wonder,
And it’s as if She dropped the snow to show
Her love enveloping us all.
She was with me again at a troubled time
A hospital room, a mother ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
When the acoustic strum charges the air
Everyone lifts their hands to the sky
But my trembling fists remain clenched at my sides.
I search the pews with wary eyes for confirmation
But I do not feel a spirit here.
She was with me on the rarest scene
A blanket of white purity covered the Evergreens
Crystalline flakes fluttered downwards delicately
Kissing the top of my nose with care.
I can now remember the world when filled with childlike wonder,
And it’s as if She dropped the snow to show
Her love enveloping us all.
She was with me again at a troubled time
A hospital room, a mother ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
When the acoustic strum charges the air
Everyone lifts their hands to the sky
But my trembling fists remain clenched at my sides.
I search the pews with wary eyes for confirmation
But I do not feel a spirit here.
She was with me on the rarest scene
A blanket of white purity covered the Evergreens
Crystalline flakes fluttered downwards delicately
Kissing the top of my nose with care.
I can now remember the world when filled with childlike wonder,
And it’s as if She dropped the snow to show
Her love enveloping us all.
She was with me again at a troubled time
A hospital room, a mother ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
When the acoustic strum charges the air
Everyone lifts their hands to the sky
But my trembling fists remain clenched at my sides.
I search the pews with wary eyes for confirmation
But I do not feel a spirit here.
She was with me on the rarest scene
A blanket of white purity covered the Evergreens
Crystalline flakes fluttered downwards delicately
Kissing the top of my nose with care.
I can now remember the world when filled with childlike wonder,
And it’s as if She dropped the snow to show
Her love enveloping us all.
She was with me again at a troubled time
A hospital room, a mother ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
“Thank you for looking after my little darling!” she said, as we transferred chubby thighs between hands. “I am so grateful to know a quality caregiver like you”.
As the words reverberate through my mind, I wonder how different it would be if she knew. They see me, with my curly hair trapped in a ponytail and baggy sweatshirt to hide the extra pounds resting above my hipbone, and these women feel a kinship through motherhood. Except they don’t know the way the darkness tries to escape the dots that line my nose. I wonder, would they still feel that I am a quality mother if they knew that just ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
I can still remember the first intrusive thought that struck me as irrational when my disorder took hold. I was in the grocery store in my small town of Warrenton, OR and paused as I reached for the grapes in the produce section. I bought grapes every week because they are my favorite fruit, but that day an image filled my mind of a crazed man, perhaps on drugs, sticking a syringe into a grape and injecting it with poison. I looked at the grapes that were all thrown into the bags by the workers, still unzipped at the tops, and the almost empty produce market around me. It would be so easy for ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
One of my favorite movies is “Cast Away” with Tom Hanks. I always put on the DVD when I have nothing else to watch, and at this point I have seen it a hundred times. At some point when it is playing I can expect my boyfriend to chime in about how boring the film is, and I do see where he is coming from. There is no music and virtually no dialogue while Chuck (Hanks) is stranded on an Island for most of the film. And yet, I am bewitched by this film. The director did a great job at expressing Chuck’s thought process as he survives day by day, picking up survival skills through trial and error ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
When I drowned at the beach as a child, I tried to scream underwater
Bubbles captured the sound and carried it away to the thin sheet of surface
Reaching for the reflection of my mother, beyond my grasp
And I think that I never left that sunken place…
The voices here are also dull and distant
Filtering through my mind like two televisions playing at once.
How do I smother the fire in my lungs
when it was made by water?
There is a remedy to ease my pain,
but they say it takes two months of trial and error.
Surely by then the current will carry my form away
Just another meat suit for t ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
I was looking through old photos recently and I came across some of my daughter as a baby. This time of my life stands out to me so vividly because it was a time of great joy and also suffering. I was constantly running on an hour or two of sleep, sometimes seeing tracers and nodding off while standing because I was so tired. I was lonely and lacked support and often carried her to the library just to be around other adults. I can clearly remember lying in bed, cursing the ceiling and telling myself that I would never have another child, ever again.
And yet, now I think that those were some of ..read more
Most Certainly Megan
4y ago
One of my close friends made a comment today about psychiatric medication that made it seem like an easy cure for mental health issues and even though I sat there and laughed maniacally for a good ten minutes, I still feel inspired to write this because I just can’t believe that there are really people out there that think it’s like, “presto chango” and the problem is solved.
Listen, psych meds can heal you and also rip your soul out. They are no joke.
I have a mental health disorder so I have tried a variety of different ones over the years because that’s just what you do when the doctors tel ..read more