Do I write about how you still invade my dreams Or a hunger I can not sate? Are they related? I desperately want to fill myself With understanding? Maybe With belonging? Yes Nothing feels safe In my dreams you still try to consume me To take all that I am, leaving me empty Is this what I’m desperate to fill? How do I remove possession from the definition of belonging? How do I feel safe in a body that can be consumed? How do I fill that void, when I never feel safe enough to belong to myself? And now, when I understand so much more You still invade my dreams I still have a hunger I ca ..read more

Imagine you’ve been born into a cult.  The leader has harmful manipulative beliefs and you have been indoctrinated.  You don’t even know you should be trying to escape, and even if you did have an inkling, you are completely powerless to do so.  This is what it was like to be born into my family.  We weren’t a cult, but we did have a family secret. I was born into a family that harbors rapists.  You could call them pedophiles, or child molesters. The truth is they were rapists.  I hope there aren’t any others.  I hope that cycle was broken for all of us.  ..read more

I am removing moral judgments from literally everything in my life. Well – yeah, harming intentionally is still not okay & unintentionally harming requires repair. I mean things like the foods I like. What foods I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, why I eat. Or how I choose to spend my day. Have I rested too much? Was I productive enough? Or how clean or messy my home is and on and on… I’m constantly categorizing everything into good or bad and then weighing it all up to determine if I am a good or bad person. These things are morally neutral. I am no longer willing to tally up moral value ..read more

Eating in the morning is hard – especially if I have binged the night before.  But also, I have always found it hard to eat in the morning. Though I have forced myself to do so in the name of “health” for nearly as long as I can remember. I did some reading online and saw that not being hungry in the morning is common.  Common enough that I couldn’t possibly read all the information that came up, even if I wanted to. There is a lot of differing advise out there too: “Why you should eat breakfast even if you aren’t hungry” to “skipping breakfast isn’t a sin” and everything in between ..read more

I dreamed I was in emotional pain – torment. Feeling lost and sad. I wanted my mom to come and make it all better.  I was squatting on my feet, my knees to my chest, my arms around them, hugging myself tight.  Trying to hold it all in, hold myself together.  Friends came and tried to help, but I could not be helped – would not be helped.  I held onto the pain tightly while desperately trying to find a way to release it. There was water everywhere.  The neighbors had built a waterfall going from their very elegant pool into our swimming pond.  It was too much; it w ..read more

I am in the water I can feel the sand On the back of my thighs My calves The heels of my feet The water laps around my midsection I stretch out my hands Searching through the sand Grasping pebbles Some I keep, To put in my jar Some I left fall, Back to the depths Some I skip, Across the lake I breathe deep I slow down My mind My body My movements I bask in the sunlight My gaze unfocused I listen and feel with intention To everything around me While I ground down into the earth The little lake perch Swim around me, Nibble at my skin I like to think, They are friends The girls are here Playing ..read more

Where am I from? Surely not a dingy smoke-filled apartment in Houston where there is no food in the cabinets, where my siblings struggle to survive, where my mother is powerless, where my father dominates all. Where am I from? Surely not the house on Joliet Street where everyone is afraid, where my mom doesn’t see or hear, where I shaved the skin off my thumb. Where am I from? Surely not the old farmhouse surrounded by corn fields where I am overlooked, where I am left alone, where I struggle to comprehend the incomprehensible. Where am I from? Surely not the house in Indian Heights where the ..read more

This amazing human right here (not me) once again brought something front and center that I could either ignore or learn from. She saw that her sister had left her headphones out, and knowing that the dogs might chew them up, she had some things to express. She told me (and I’m gonna paraphrase because I don’t remember the exact words), “AJ left her headphones out again. Last time I put them away without saying anything, this time though I’m not putting them away. I’m going to tell her she forgot, and remind her to do it.” Then she got really upset,  on the verge of tears. An overwhelming ..read more

Earlier today I was a panelist on the, Title IX Presents a Virtual RAINN Day Panel. This event was hosted by the Title IX Department of the University of Arkansas. What follows is a copy of my speech. Hello everyone, I’m Cary.  I sincerely appreciate you all for being here today.  My sincerest thanks to Dr. Pettiway and everyone who has helped organize, facilitate, and participate in this event. Sexual assault is not an easy topic, as humans, we do our best to shy away from the uncomfortable.  Showing up today means you have chosen something above your own comfort and that’s com ..read more

I do not forgive you. The pain and suffering you inflicted is not forgivable – nor forgettable. I will spend the rest of my life working to undo the harm you caused. For my own sake, for my children’s sake, their children’s sake, and so on.  I have willingly chosen this path.  I have chosen not to lose myself in trauma.  I have chosen not to pass it on to someone else to resolve. That was the choice you made. We all make choices, and we all have to live with the consequences of those choices.  It is not my responsibility to bear your consequences, or to resolve them.  ..read more