Self sabotage is my mother tongue. Defend and defeat any threat to control. Neck sore from constantly looking the wrong way. Exasperated from self- a double edged sword. I enjoy the pain. “Where have you been?” were the first words I said to him. “Looking for you”- he replied. “What? With your eyes closed?” I said firm with a death glance. He smiled instantly. And that’s when I knew I was ready to fight again ..read more

The constraints were tightly wrapped around my body. White walls surrounded the cocoon like shell and reflected the same absence of the mind. My mind. Nails, cut back to the beds were the only visible recollection of flesh. I crawled them deep into the cuffs of the jacket, just as I would with my skin. Looking ahead into blinded silence, I see nothing but haze. And a tiny bell. Wrapped around my neck, like a giveaway at the pound. And In every sense, I was. Not being in a familiar space made me feel things: muscles, expanding like a blood-filled sponge. Skin itchy, begging for relief, I roll b ..read more

Stomach churning as I click on the Outlook Icon one regular Monday morning. Preparing myself for the plethora of emails that have managed to build up over the previous 48 hours. Squinting- because that eases the pain, I prayed to the big man upstairs before speedily grazing over the shit storm of requests. -Heather, can you please… -Heather, would you mind checking on… -Heather, how is this travelling? -Heather, can you arrange this… -Heather, help! -Heather, how long? -Heather, what’s this? -Heather, can I… Too many ‘Kind Regards’ later, I’m now completely overwhelmed and reciting the Lords P ..read more

It was the Ancient Romans who first suggested the idea of a broken mirror bringing seven years bad luck. This stems from another piece of Roman lore stating every seven years life would renew. And any broken parts of your life- would be fixed. And here we are, surfacing from a 7 year war. Returning home. Reprieve. Ready for a renew. And although I don’t recall breaking a mirror. Seven years ago my heart broke. Proper broke. And it’s been fumbling around my chest for years doing it’s best. Keeping me alive. Seven years ago. Thousands of tiny heart shaped glass shards danced through my body, cut ..read more

I waited a day because this isn’t always received well from people who are unable to accept anything other than surface level positivity. Mother’s Day. Along side Christmas and many other monumental days is a challenging time. For me, there’s one thing that niggles at me the most. Not the fact I miss out on Sunday dinners, phone calls, general support, love and care that walked beside me for 27 years. Nor the fact I don’t know who to write on my emergency contact list. It’s not the fact I see others experiencing what I was stripped from. Or the gaping big hole in my heart I carry everyday- som ..read more

Time cannot touch my love. Where my heart resides, there are no clocks. Grief is no different. I let time touch it. Romance it, swish it around like mouth wash and spit it right back when I was ‘ready’. I wasn’t. I then sat with it. Accepted it. Cried and ate through it. Read the five stages of grief to it and asked time to gently pass it back when I was ‘ready’. I wasn’t. My love doesn’t understand time, they’re not even distant cousins. They don’t coincide. There is no end date here. Because grief is love in deep pain and neither recognise time. So now, neither do I ..read more

~Words at my dads Funeral~ Hi my name is Heather for anyone I haven’t met. I’m Gerards daughter and was gifted with a lovely mini me for the past decade- her name is Sienna and my dads one true love. On behalf of his girls, I’d like to thank you all for being here. I’m supposed to start with memories and how great my dad is but we are all familiar with what an incredible man he is, a gentlemen in every sense of the word and what a light he brought into every room. Instead, really hoping this is the last chance I’ll have to talk in front of a room full of grieving people- I’d like to touch on l ..read more

Papa G, My heart, a few words, for you. To read whenever you need. A reminder of all that you are and how grateful I am, for you. Genetically, I’d like to firstly thank you for my eyelashes and for skin that seems to fight age with such ease, it can be deemed unfair. Thank you for the ability to speak honestly and with good intent. You’ve created an open space that has always allowed me to navigate through life as the driver. The driver who may take some questionable turns, yet you’ve provided the time and knowledge to always navigate back on track. You make sure I have my seatbelt on, sit in ..read more

Sleep. Intricate pieces of memories that replay violently the minute my eyes drop in demise. Flashes of rooftop quests and dusk-filled skies. Delude my dreams, leaving a trail of blood behind. Every night another story, ending in goodbye. Break me open and you’ll see, there’s no more fight. Just a white flag drowning in memories and rough tides. Pain so great it seeps into time. Weeks become months enabling thoughts that aren’t mine. Each night I feel the touch of your hand, perfectly entwined. I see hollow eyes that were once kind. Finger tips trace each freckle with another lie. Visions of y ..read more

Bring urgency with the same precision as a hunter. Evaluate the risk, Shoot. Don’t hesitate. In that time, I’ve already picked you apart. Catch me early, Before I attack. Only then, Will you have the chance, To emulate the power Of a woman. ~Art by yours truly ..read more