I’ve really grown to like more music than I used to, but I still don’t like a lot of popular bands etc, that I actually hesitate to mention because people take that shit crazy personal. Like they were playing the bass themselves or had a family member who wrote the songs for the band. I’ve enjoyed making music and being part of some forums etc. Online groups or forums can be hit or miss depending on the subject. Anything car related is a bloodbath, way beyond the RTFM of some groups, some can just be brutal. I belong to a Chevy group and some music related groups, instruments and shit, but I’v ..read more

written over a few days, then posted without edit. Living this way is weird for an addict. Eating lots of veggies, fruits, grains, lean meats, and repeat. Yes, it’s still going on. It has gotten to a point where I can’t imagine not eating this way. The benefits of not eating like shit outweigh my curiosity regarding the chicken sandwich wars. I love chicken sandwiches, but I’ll be fine with the fried memories. Ain’t it a bitch though… pimple on my lip. I’m 50 years old and I have a pimple… while eating the healthiest I’ve ever done. I’m going to miss social distancing… someone was waking close ..read more

            “When you make certain lifestyle choices…” Lifestyle choice… Choosing to live a certain lifestyle. It’s the choice part… the choosing part that I am beginning to see as highlighted and something that should be really thought about when you’re an addict or alcoholic. There are choices that are made and even little thoughts and voices telling you to stop, just to put the glass, bottle, cup, straw, pipe etc. down. A moment or two when the faint whisper of responsibility blows gently passed your ear of consciousness asking you ..read more

            I can remember hiding behind my mother as a child, around the age of three or so and not wanting to talk to the strange adult that was trying to coax me with baby talk. My mother would make up some excuse I’m sure so that I wouldn’t seem rude, but this basic scenario played itself out for years really, until I got a little older and would talk to others even with my numerous speech impediment type of issues. But in preschool, kindergarten, and first grade I pretty much just sat quietly by myself. I just sat there being scared a ..read more

            My addiction monkey found cheesecake… then he found out that there are amazing bakeries all over Houston that feature all kinds of cheesecake and other delicious things… cookies, tarts, holy fuck my addiction monkey went fucking crazy for a little while there. Calling my favorite spots… “What type of cheesecake do you have today?” oh…. Not my favorite, but it will do. Then as I get there the last piece gets taken. Stolen… the last piece… even though being purchased with a valid credit card from the person in front of me… s ..read more

(written over several days  weeks… short bursts of writing) (not part of ongoing series) Four years! I’ve made it without a drink for four years!!!  I couldn’t make it past four hours, unless I was sleeping, before I finally decided that I had enough of that lifestyle. Now, I’m making it past yet another annual reminder. It feels amazing to have accomplished this goal… but I’m still an alcoholic and I’m still in recovery. I dove too deep when I went exploring… I’m still fragile. I told someone the other day that I still feel like I’m in recovery. They looked back with ..read more

 That drive from Austin to San Diego was a really long drive. We were in a mid 80s Subaru wagon that had just had some work done to it and the mechanic promised us that it would make it, but we were still concerned. Going across Texas, seeing the hill country turn into the desert… trees disappear for a while replaced by shrubs and cacti, different colors, landscapes, all contributing to the minds ability to wonder… my mind usually goes to self-abusive inner dialogue really fucking quick. I’ve learned kind of how to spot it now when it begins to manifest and usually I can stop that inner d ..read more

This is part one of San Diego, but it all started in Austin. To go to the beginning click here I don’t really like change, but it was 2002 and I was just saying fuck it…I was going to move to San Diego and start a new life there. I had a friend who started to work at the Comedy Store in La Jolla and had been telling Man-Boobs and I about it. Yeah, Man-Boobs from the KLBG Morning show “Dave and Chad with Katie in the Morning” and Man-Boobs was their intern. He was heading out to San Diego with me since we really didn’t have much better going on in Austin at the time and Austin hadn’t quite blow ..read more

to read the ongoing series click here I still can’t find my jeans. These aren’t cheap jeans either, not that you can find cheap ones anymore, but these are above $100 a pair, jeans. I was nervously trying to find them, worrying about it, going through all my stuff with the subtilty of a COPS tv show drug bust, just ripping shit apart trying to find these damn jeans, when it dawned on me… I could snort that, $100, in one night EASY back in the day. I thought about the 8 balls I’ve bought over the years, the money right up my nose or mixed with baking soda… all the drinks, crazy nights… just hem ..read more

Someone very close to me has recently been given a terminal diagnosis in regard to cancer and I’ve written a few posts, just trying to deal with this situation and without the crutch of alcohol. Ugh… someone close to me that loves life is preparing to die… it makes me think of my own depression and anxiety, how tough life can be, and watching her trying to enjoy every moment has been a very emotional experience. Going to bed laughing and waking up early, trying to cry softly as the mind wanders thinking of Hillary and her road trip, on old highways and backroads in her Ford van, while also sto ..read more