When You Don’t Fit the PTSD Mold
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
1y ago
I just discovered today is National PTSD Awareness Day. I thought I would take a minute and remind everyone that PTSD (like any other disorder) does not always have to fit perfectly in a well-defined black and white box. Recently, I have been doing the hard healing work from another PTSD ‘flare up’. Years ago a therapist mentioned ‘PTSD’, my head spun. You have the wrong client. I  never suffered any of the trauma that is typically (and clearly) outlined when discussing PTSD. Therefore, it made it easy for me to write off my severe symptoms and anxiety as something I would eventually ‘g ..read more
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The Best News We Never Expected
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
1y ago
Tomorrow, Friday, May 27, will mark seven years since Marjorie was diagnosed with cancer. That is as crazy of a sentence to read as it is for me to write. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime rolled into one. Each year our oncology appointment brings up a unique set of worries and feelings.  The grief and sadness always remain. Some years the anger and ‘Why’s’ outweigh the grief and some years the massive fear of recurrence numb out every other emotion.   This year was straight up worry and anger. My constant worry over Marjorie’s PTSD and anxiety about needles blocked out an ..read more
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Eleven Years Later and Still Recovering
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
Today marks eleven years in eating disorder recovery for me. December 14, 2010, I walked through the doors of residential treatment scared, hopeless and willing to do anything to build a life worth living. Last night in our Alliance Monday night support group, we discussed “Is full recovery possible?” Cliff notes: YES IT IS. AND…it isn’t always what you think it is. ***AND I acknowledge my privilege in the ability to access care and will continue to fight for mental health treatment to be affordable to all. Eleven years ago today I did not believe recovery was possible. Hell, I did not belie ..read more
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Finding ME Again.
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
Some days it feels like the first six months of 2021 never happened. The countless needles, IVs, meds, PICC lines, surgeries feel like a distant nightmare. I was in survival mode. Other days, I sit with anxiety pounding my chest *knowing* the infection is back or something else will be wrong. I’ve avoided writing, feeling or slowing down since my last surgery on May 20th. It was like I rolled out of the hospital and sprinted back into the chaos of life, allowing the busyness to protect me from trauma’s shadow lurking behind me. I didn’t want to face it. I still don’t. But two weeks ago, I re ..read more
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I am HERE.
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
P!nk’s “I am HERE” has always been one of my go to anthems, but today more than ever the line struck me: “I am here, I am here. I’ve already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear.” I’ve seen the bottom. I’ve seen lots of bottoms in my lifetime – and with each bottom comes a rising.  The challenges of this prophylactic double mastectomy and infection has left me gutted and awakened. I’ve felt physical and emotional pain I hope to never experience again. And I’ve been lifted up with love and prayers. I’ve dug deep in my emotional healing and found answers to roadblocks that have kep ..read more
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The House Don’t Fall When My Bones are Good
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
My therapy session started off the way all hard sessions do. Me: “I’m doing great.” Therapist: “That is wonderful.” Me: “Yes. I finally feel good physically and we had a great spring break trip with the kids. I haven’t been sleeping well. But other than that little issue things are great.” My therapist began asking those therapist-y questions: Why aren’t you sleeping? What is keeping you up? As she dug deeper, I revealed I lay awake at night replaying the events of the past few months. “McCall, what you went through is traumatic.” DAMN IT. I don’t want another trauma. I don’t want to work th ..read more
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The Weight of Recovery
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
Yesterday I tried putting on a real bra – not like an actual bra with an underwire, that would just be absurd. (I stand firmly in the Athleisure Pandemic trend – no wires, no buttons) I attempted to put on a real sports bra and it did not go over so well. Literally. It did not go over the expanders. Tired of the front clasping surgical bras I’ve been rocking for the last two months, I was determined to wear a sports bra and feel ‘normal’.  The girls are firmer and larger than normal. Monday I went to my plastic surgeon after a week “off” from filling the expanders. We had a scare with l ..read more
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Finding Strength in My One Boob Reflection
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
One week ago I was hunched over in the ER with a 102 fever, waiting to be admitted and fearing the unknown. After posting Red, Hot and Angry Boob, my fever quickly spiked and the next several days were a blur.  I finally made it to a hospital room at 2am with little rest to follow. The pain was practically unmanageable. I knew something was wrong…really wrong. My plastic surgeon’s PA came to my room Saturday morning. After an exam of my red, hot boob and glimpse of the murky fluid in my drain, she broke the news to me that surgery was imminent. My plastic surgeon called shortly after to ..read more
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Red, Hot and ANGRY Boob
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
Recovery from this surgery (and any surgery I would venture to guess) is just as much mental as it is physical. My emotions are riding on a huge rollercoaster. Sometimes laughing and feeling myself to suddenly plunging into tears of frustration for not being able to do something or simply from being tired of hurting. On Wednesday, when I only got one of my two drains pulled I was not a happy camper. I was extra grumpy because the drain that stayed is the one causing me trouble – constant pain and burning. But the doctor looked close and said it was not infected. He was adamant on keeping ..read more
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Doing the Hard Things: My Prophylactic Double Mastectomy
Loving Imperfection Blog
by McCall Dempsey
2y ago
‘Twas the Night Before Surgery // Wednesday, January 6, 2021 Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. My eyes were glued to my watch – T-Minus 24-hours. Each passing minute another 60-seconds closer to my prophylactic double mastectomy, my thoughts clouded with future scenarios. “This time tomorrow… I’ll be in surgery…I’ll be out of surgery…I’ll be in post op, God I hope I make it to post-op. Don’t think like that, McCall.” The constant chatter in my head made the day pass painfully slow. After dinner, I nervously packed my hospital bag. The fear of the unknown and growing panic felt eerily similar to the nig ..read more
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