Transitions
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
2y ago
This has been the longest time away from this blog I have had since I started writing it 4 (!) years ago. The reason for the absence has multiple facets, but they can be summed up in one word: Transitions. Since I wrote my last post our family has undergone a number of transitions. Some went more smoothly than others. Unfortunately the others have caused me some issues. I’ll start with the one that went smoothly, Eldest went from reception to Year 1 at school. He didn’t exhibit too many signs of anxiety, there may have been a bit of regressive behaviour although I think that could also have be ..read more
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The ‘N’ Word
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
2y ago
There are lots of words which have negative connotations for people. This particular word seems to generate enormous offence from my son if it is ever directed at him. That word is ‘Naughty’. For my son that is the worst thing in the world to be called. He hates it. To have it applied to him sends him into a horrible negative spiral of shame. It is particularly evident when the word is used to apply to something he has done when he’s trying to be helpful. He has seen grown-ups doing it, so he’ll do it too, he’s helping. In his mind he’s doing the right thing and there’s no way he should face a ..read more
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Controlling the Uncontrollable
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
2y ago
It’s impossible, you can’t control it, stop worrying about it. I say it to myself many times most days. Yet my subconscious brain refuses to listen. It’s there gnawing away at my conscious brain causing me anxiety and stress. Unnecessary, yet ever-present. I realised a few years ago that I am a control freak. I’m fine when I can see a solution to a problem and can act on it, but if I can’t see a way forward, or that way forward involves putting my trust in someone I don’t know, then all hell breaks loose in my brain. I’ve had a tough time of it lately, a barrage of small things that I can ..read more
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The Learning Curve
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
I have to admit, it’s been far too long since I even felt the need to write my thoughts down. I’m not sure why, but my brain hasn’t been doing its usual churning that often results in the need to write something down to clear my head. Anyway, the last 6 months have been… interesting… It all began in September with the recently activated legislation surrounding “Designated Teachers” in school and the alteration of their role to include what are coldly called “previously looked after children” – for the rest of us that usually means adopted children or children who now live with a Special Guard ..read more
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The Mother’s Day Resolution
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
  Continued from: The Mother’s Day Exclusion The teacher was standing on the school gate, apparently the person given the duty usually performed by one of the absent leadership team.  I was nervous, so I asked one of the mums who we are friends with to come with me so that I wasn’t a lone voice. The conversation started like this: “I’ve been asked to tell you that the school will respond to your letter, but because neither the head nor deputy head are in until after half term it won’t be until then. They didn’t want you to think they were ignoring you.” Oh. Great. That was it? My disappointmen ..read more
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The Mother’s Day Exclusion
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
Mother’s Day this year has been an interesting time. It’s the first year that it has really been something we’ve had to acknowledge in our household because it is the first year that one of my sons has been in an institution (his school) that decided to create an event around it. Previously they have been at a nursery who tended to do anything (cards etc) on a day when they didn’t attend, avoiding any conflict with our family. So, an invitation arrived from the school inviting us… oh wait… not us… Addressed to “Mums”…. to their Mother’s Day lunch event. Hmm. Maybe they will let one of us come ..read more
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You Keep Me Safe
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
As adoptive parents sometimes when we see a glimmer of progress it is often combined with a feeling of sadness. It is an odd feeling to be sad when you should be happy. The reason for this is often the signs of progress are things which other children never have to face, things which never even cross their minds as being an issue, yet can be absolutely massive steps forward for our children. This could be something as simple as reacting in a shy way to a stranger where they would normally go up and give them a huge hug. Giving people hugs is adorable, but not when it’s because they have no clu ..read more
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Supporting Contact
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
I have written before about my expectations and thoughts on what in the adoption world is currently called “contact”. My views haven’t changed a great deal, but it is something that I am forced to reflect on twice a year when I write a letter to my children’s biological parents. Every six months I write a letter, I write a brief update on what our children are doing, what they like, how much they’ve grown and a little bit about what their favourite things of the moment are. Then I ask a small question. Nothing big, just a little question to try to trigger a response. To give whoever is readin ..read more
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New Year, New… Expectations?
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
New years’ celebrations have always been a bit anticlimactic in my mind. I’ve never celebrated the incrementing of that last digit of the date by one. The transition of 1999 to 2000 was celebrated by me being in bed with flu. There are often too many expectations that come with moving from the end of one year to the start of the next. I’ve never really understood why, in my mind it’s just the start of another day. All the problems that existed on the 31st December are still there on the 1st January, as is everything else. I’ve never made new year’s resolutions, they never last, the start of a ..read more
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Another Christmas
Then We Were Four - Building Our Family Through Adoption
by Then We Were Four
4y ago
It is that time of the year, the time when some people get all jovial, extra generous and kind, and others get panicky, grumpy and fairly fed up. For others still it is a dichotomous time with some elements that are loved and some that are hated. I think I fall firmly into that third category. I hate the consumerism of Christmas, I hate getting asked “What do you want for Christmas?”, my response being “I don’t know, I don’t really need anything”. I also hate asking that same question of people. I hate not having the mental energy at the moment to come out of my shell and actually think about ..read more
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