Yesterday evening I met with the clinical lead. I was straight to the point and asked if they would reconsider their decision with the 28- day notice. Apparently they feel my risks are just too high and reconsideration wasn’t an option. I felt sad and disappointed, but relieved to have been given an answer. In several ways I know I need to leave. I’m not progressing much and am losing my much cherished independence, the majority of the support workers don’t have a clue on mental health yet alone EDs and I find myself getting increasingly frustrated with them. It’s also not helped that I’m not ..read more

Today, I spoke to my care coordinator on the phone (our wifi is terrible!) and it was an interesting catch up for sure. I asked what had been discussed on Monday before I was called into the meeting. Apparently the new therapist had a lot to say about me and my suicidal thoughts, acting like she had known me for years. We had never had a session, only introductions as she started 2 weeks ago! I just found it very odd and my care coordinator agreed. My care coordinator also said when she spoke to the housing manager, there was a heated discussion as she asked him why he didn’t tell me himself ..read more

Part 2 Yesterday, after work I spoke to the housing manager. We had a long discussion and I made it clear that I felt hurt he hadn’t told me and it had to come from my care coordinator instead. He said he had done it out of courtesy and was going to discuss the situation with me once he had a response from my care coordinator/ psychiatrist. He was concerned that given the situation of me being suicidal, that it may make things worse and he was actually a bit annoyed that I had been told so quickly. Ultimately, it’s my care and I should be informed. I asked what the reason was for springing dis ..read more

TW So much has changed in the past few days. Last weekend I went against advice to visit my friends and family in Essex. In my mind it was my final way of saying goodbye to them as I had planned to end my life tomorrow. Only, my friend caught onto how much I was struggling and got quite upset. It caught me off guard completely as I had gone there with every intention to be happier and joke around. Ultimately, I wanted to leave her with a nice memory of me. We had just finished our pizza and as she cried, I held her hand, desperately trying to backtrack and reassure her I’d be ok. I couldn’t th ..read more

How has my mood not picked up yet? How am I still so sad? Last weekend was my best friends wedding and tbh I really struggled. I was exhausted after just the journey of getting there (it took 4 hours) and an early morning rise after a sleepless night certainly didn’t help. The actual day couldn’t have gone more smoothly, my bestie looked breathtakingly beautiful and we danced until midnight. I was so proud of her and even more honoured that she chose me to be her maid of honour. I just wish my mood wasn’t so continuously low for the duration of it. The problem is I can’t talk about how I feel ..read more

TW Part 1 It’s been another strange few weeks. I read the report written by the social worker I was assessed by and I was taken back at how inaccurate it was. From seemingly minor things like writing I went to uni in Southend when I actually went to uni in Canterbury, to things like I supposedly don’t notice when my mood is deteriorating… I do notice when my mood is deteriorating but my mood becoming low is typically a very gradual decline and I usually notice when things have become harder than they used to be and/or I’m not enjoying things like I used to or my concentration and memory aren’t ..read more

TW Several people were genuinely concerned I would end my life, some still hold that worry and tbh I don’t blame them. I’m very low. I have been for quite some time now (since October) and the past few weeks it has become almost impossible to carry on. Ending my life continuously circles my mind, so I try my best to work. It’s the one thing that makes sense, but when I’ve finished, the tiredness and the thoughts seep their way in. My time in the psych ward was damaging, pointless and dehumanizing. I lied my way out and now in my discharge summary they want me re-assessed for a mental health co ..read more

The exhaustion feels like a blanket of thick grey fog that merges with the depression and I no longer know which is which or if it even matters. Somewhat functioning is a challenge in itself as I practically sleep walk through the day, dragging myself through each mundane task when I’d far rather block everything out and simply go to sleep. I feel no better than before I went into hospital. I have the same daily dark thoughts of not being here, the belief that it would be kinder for everyone if I were to leave this world and I don’t have the words of reassurance in me to tell people I’ll be ok ..read more

Ward Round TW numbers Yesterdays ward round left me with more questions than answers. As I walked in I noticed my care coordinator and one of the staff from residential on the screen and instantly I felt a tiny amount of reassurance. The psychiatrist asked me the loaded question of “how are you?” and I responded with “tired”. What else could I say? The room was full of people, overwhelmingly full, but at least she was kind enough to give me the option to have less people in. I said it was fine. I didn’t want to show her weakness of any sort, so we kept going. I said this wasn’t the right place ..read more

My dad has written to the hospital formally requesting my discharge. He agreed here wasn’t the right place for me and I would be far better off at residential. My eating has deteriorated, my mood remains the same, but seeing the pain in my dads eyes today broke my heart. I thought about how my suicide would impact him and wondered if it would break him or ease his worries? Is seeing me go in and out of hospitals causing him too much concern and in turn, making him ill? Would it actually be fairer on him for me to leave this world? I just want peace, to stop feeling so low all the time and to s ..read more