What Kind of a Widow does that make Me?
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
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3y ago
I never understood the workings of widowhood until I entered the ranks myself.  I always felt such pity for anyone who became widowed, and especially to those who were widowed without warning. The ones who were in the middle of experiencing a normal life, a normal day, a normal hour, and then all things changed literally with one final second. One final heartbeat. *Disclaimer - I am by NO MEANS saying a person widowed without any warning suffers any more than a widowed person who has had to struggle through sickness beforehand.* When I first lost Mike, I had no clue how to navigate wido ..read more
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I Blinked...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
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3y ago
I always wanted to be a mom so badly. From the beginning of when I understood what being a mom meant. A couple of health scares and relationship ups and downs later, and we were pregnant. I loved every part of pregnancy. Well, except these darn stretch marks. Grrrrr... I didn’t have heart burn or any crazy cravings. No Braxton Hicks. No major issues at all. Hot flashes, well yes, those still haunt me almost 14 years later! Aye aye aye... Bladder issues because my son sat so low it was immediately recognized by the first little ultra sound technician? Yep, I literally pee all the time. (Sorry ..read more
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All That Comes After...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
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3y ago
Before and After become very defining words in the grief journey. Divorce Losing a job Losing a home Infertility Losing a child, a parent, a sibling, or a spouse Grief comes with so many parts of our lives; widowhood is definitely not the only or the worst journey through grief, it’s just one of many that our human hearts experience. As soon as loss occurs, we immediately go to the “what now” train of thought. We go to the “how”, “what if”, “why”, and more. We begin to wander through the memories of life before loss. Safe Secure Happy Loved Certain And we begin to fear that we will never ..read more
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What Ifs...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
That’s the thing about grief and loss. That living, breathing entity inside of us breaks all of us, literally our entire existence. It brings us crashing to our weakest point. I have written about how it claws it’s way from within and consumes all of us, and often this happens years later even when we least expect it. It rips and tears our organs (which give us life and hope and our heart that gives us love) to shreds and it snaps our bones (the parts to hold us up and keep us standing strong) like nothing. Literally every piece of my old self has not just been bent and bruised. Every piece ..read more
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Happy New Year...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
At this exact time, 8:36 am, three years ago, I was preparing for a funeral. The most difficult funeral I have ever attended. My husband’s. I remember vividly the details of Mike’s funeral, from what I wore, what I felt, what our baby boy looked like, and more. Someone who is reading my memoir texted me the other day and said, “I can’t believe you remember this much detail. I can’t imagine what you must feel.” The memories of Mike’s death and of his funeral are seared into my brain, my heart, and my soul forever. No matter how much I try to will them to lessen, they flood me just as strongly ..read more
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Three Years.
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
Three years. 1,095 Days. Some days it seems so much shorter, and some days it seems so much longer. His middle name was Richard. His hair was dark. His eyes were hazel. His skin was golden. He was born on the East coast and moved to Missouri when he was about 6 years old. He used to tell a story of when he rode his bike in their neighborhood. Once he was even hit by a passing car. He just hopped right back up and went on. His first day of first grade ended with him going home upset. A classmate made fun of his buzzed haircut all day long. His second day of first grade began with a punch ..read more
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Lonely SUCKS...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
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3y ago
I have struggled my entire life with self esteem. I never have understood why I allow comparisons to sneak into my mind and leave me wishing I was skinnier, prettier, smarter, wealthier, happier, etc... but I do. And now I wish I could have what I want like so many people. I wish it. All.  Of.  The.  Time. I have recently found myself comparing journeys of widowhood and comparing my personal journey in this stupid club with other widows'/widowers' journeys.  I see so many widowed people who appear happier than I am. Some of these people I envy are ones I actually know ..read more
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14 Years Ago...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
We were supposed to live happily ever after. To grow old together. We promised to love and honor, never to forsake, and to have and to hold... Till death do us part. 14 years ago we stood on the green grass of Arkansas (Mike always made a joke wondering if we were legally married since we wed in Arkansas) and committed our forever to each other. I got his forever. Way sooner than either of us ever imagined. He didn't get mine and I wanted more than anything to give it to him. I wanted to give him forever. I wanted to give him till death do us part in a way that meant we were old beyond numbe ..read more
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No Comparison...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
Since I became widowed more than 2 1/2 years ago, I have not dated much. I have very little experience dating at all actually, and especially now as a widow. I mean, I went from "dating", aka passing notes with, my first husband when I was 13 years old to being a young wife. We were together off and on until I turned 18 and then we married just three months after my 18th birthday. After five years of marriage, well legally just two weeks shy of five years, we divorced. Just weeks after leaving my home with my ex-husband, Mike called me. We began dating and fell in love literally within a ..read more
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My 39th Without Him...
Still His, Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity: A Widow's Unending Journey
by
3y ago
39 years. Today. My third birthday alone. My third birthday since my husband died. Left me alone to raise our son. Left me alone to handle debt, cows, a farm, life. Wow. Who would have thought 39 years ago when this new tiny baby came into the world, that she would have to survive such heartache? She would have to die, a part of her anyway. She would have to sink to depths unimaginable. She would have to wallow in the pits of depression, loneliness, grief and fear for so long. But then she would have to crawl. Dig. Claw. Slip. Kick. Scream. Climb. Fall again. Only to rise from the ashes. Wh ..read more
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