I Call it "Stay Day"
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
My therapist’s office was as welcoming as usual this afternoon, filled with its bright pops of teal amidst a serene white contrast. I always feel safe there; able to say things I wouldn’t share elsewhere. “Happy Stay Day, Amanda,” my therapist said when she greeted me. I smiled to myself as I thanked her. She remembered. She acknowledged it. She worded it in the way I do. All signs of someone more than worth spending an hour every week with. I call this day “Stay Day” because it’s more concise and positive than calling it “The Day I Was Suicidal and Drove Myself to the Hospital At the Last Min ..read more
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When the World Doesn't See You as You See Yourself
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
  I fully expect this piece will be misinterpreted, misunderstood, and even mocked. I suspect I’ll be called “oversensitive” or “whiny” and get accused of “trying to make my issue everyone else’s problem” or something to that effect.   I expect those things because they happen often when I discuss how it feels to have a gender identity or sexual orientation that isn’t typical or widely accepted. But I’m writing it anyway. I’m writing it for others, who can’t find the right words, or, if they can, are not in a position to share them without serious repercussions. I want you to see y ..read more
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10 Things I've Done To Heal From a Mental Breakdown
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
As you might know, I’m a 40-something woman who had a very public breakdown this year. It sucked. Then, I did a heap of work to get back on my feet. And hello! Here I am in all my imperfect glory. I’ve been open about this journey because, when I was in the thick of it, I felt so alone. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. The thing about being visible with your mental illness and recovery, however, is that people will ask “how did you come back from that?” That’s a big question, and not one I can answer in a tweet or an Instagram post. Hell, I can only scratch the surface in a blog pos ..read more
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What Six Years of Online Hate Has Done to Our Family
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
I think at first, they thought we were just weird—a big joke. I mean, we’re a family where one of the kids comes out as trans, then one of the parents. Following all that, the other parent admits she’s always been a closeted lesbian and then the trans kid, still on the path of discovery, declares themselves non-binary rather than a trans girl, and tries on a new set of pronouns. All of this takes place over about six years—a visibly authentic and changing family. We probably seemed easy to pick on, and that’s become more and more obvious. My family has had our photos stolen and our looks made ..read more
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Life After Healing From Childhood Trauma
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
I turn 44 in three days. I’m a September baby, but my mom tells me I was many weeks late. When the doctors grew concerned and took an x-ray of me (they did that back in the day), my bones were beginning to calcify, and my mom had to be induced. I guess I liked it in there. Like my fetus self, I seem to take my time with things, preferring the comfort of where I’m at over the great unknown. And also, just like my fetus self, I sometimes need to be unceremoniously pushed into the next phase of my life. A breakdown pushed me this time. If you’ve been following me for the last few months, you know ..read more
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How I'm Breaking Up With Trying to Make Everyone Happy
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
I’m learning to love myself without your help after a lifetime of relying on it. For years, I wanted nothing but your approval. Yes, you. The person reading this. No, it doesn’t matter if we know each other or not. Much of what I did and much of what drove my life was based on making other people happy – whether that be someone I know or a complete stranger. It almost killed me. People-pleasing might seem altruistic, but it’s actually a way to get external validation. “If I do something you like, you’ll like me.” Up until recently, I survived on it. I’m using the word survive on purpose becaus ..read more
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I Almost Died Three Weeks Ago. There's Life on the Other Side.
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
“Anxiety Disorder and Mood Disorder Based in Trauma.” That is my official diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I received it yesterday afternoon. I took a few hours to sit with it – with everything – and absorb what’s happened since. Three weeks ago, right around the time I’m writing this, I snapped. I had a complete breakdown after being attacked online from all sides. It began as criticism, but it became so much more. It quickly morphed into a character assassination, a public shaming, partially made up of half-truths and outright lies. By the end of it, I was a shell of the person I had been be ..read more
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On Being Surrounded and Feeling Alone
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
It’s been a tough couple of days. I’m going to whine in this post, so feel free to move right along if empathy isn’t your bag right now, baby. If you do keep reading, please know I recognize there are bigger issues in the world than what I’m dealing with and far harder challenges to be faced. But this is where I’m at right now and writing through things – in the hopes that someone out there might read and be able to relate – has always been therapeutic for me. It’s why I’ve had a blog for almost 14 years. Ready? Have a cup of tea? Maybe some cake? Okay. Here we go. Last night, I paused a show ..read more
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Jog on, Imposter Syndrome. I'm a #1 Bestselling Author Now.
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
If I write this post without crying, it will be a miracle. Today I woke up to the news that my memoir, my paper baby that I birthed just a few days ago, is #1 on the Canadian Non-Fiction bestseller list (and #5 stacked up against all non-fiction sold in Canada, which is pretty big!) That’s… huge. Like, I can’t even wrap my head around it. I’ve been trying to do so for hours, but mostly I just keep smiling, and then crying, and then smiling again, and then— Ah, there are the tears. See? I knew they’d show up. It was news I wasn’t expecting. This is a part of my story I had convinced myself woul ..read more
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I wrote a book and I'm having big feelings about it
The Maven of Mayhem
by Amanda Jette Knox
9M ago
It’s Saturday evening and I’m lying in bed, a fan blowing away the warmth in the room like I’ve been trying to blow off this anxiety all day. It’s been a challenge. The truth is, I’ve been anxious for weeks, the feeling growing as the end of month grows nearer. I can’t shake it, despite being on anti-anxiety medication, going to the gym, talking to loved ones and all the other tricks that usually work for me. I’m not sleeping much, forcing myself to eat even half of what I usually do, and I have three engrossing novels on the go that I can’t seem to focus on. I’m having heart palpitations – a ..read more
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