1.) Do not look for inconsistencies in the story line. ■ This will make our partner feel as though they need to edit their words in their head and doing so with impact their ability to authentically express themselves. This also creates a dynamic where the facts are given far more importance than they deserve. The emotional expression is more important. 2.) Do not respond with explanations as to why they are wrong (and we are right). Do not try argue our partner out of their emotional experience. ■ Being an empathetic listener allows our partner to heal by allowing a space for an emotion to ..read more

The antidote to an excessive tendency to blame ourselves is to realize that: The issue is not guilt, fault or blame; the issue is human imperfection. We are still worthwhile human beings in spite of what happened. It was not a crime and we are not guilty. A more appropriate emotion would be regret, which is the wish that things were other than they are. If there are appropriate consequences of our imperfect behavior we are prepared to accept them. Inappropriate consequences are not acceptable, they make things worse for everyone. We can choose not to take the consequences personally, Consequen ..read more

Sheila was suffering from exhaustion. She was overworked at home and at her job. She knew that she was taking too much upon herself, but she could not help it. She had always been this way, super-responsible and unable to trust others – feeling compelled to do it all herself. She had finally reached her limits; and could not push herself anymore. She knew that going away for a rest would not solve anything. She would only start the whole thing over again when she got back.  She came for counseling to find out how she got this way, and to relieve her anger at the world for doing this to he ..read more

Why do we feel rushed all the time? There is so much to do and never enough time to do it. How can we get more time to do what needs to be done and still be able to relax? The difficulty is not just the lack of time, it is that we do not use the time we have effectively. We keep getting in our own way, and that slows us down. We aren’t even aware that we are doing it. We waste a lot of our time doing things that do not need to be done. Here are some common ways we waste time: 1) We waste a lot of time trying to prevent waste. Some learned long ago that waste is a “sin” and a sign of irresponsi ..read more

Barb had been trying for years to improve her relationship with her mother, Sandra. Barb tried everything. She would go over there for a quiet dinner with Sandra and then find herself being criticized for neglecting her husband and son. Barb tried staying away. She caught hell for that too. Her mom would lash out: “You don’t care about me. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.” In one session, Barb began: “So mom asks me to come over Friday night. I hate to say `No,’ but I can’t take it any more.” Therapist: “What is the worst part?” Barb: “I hate feeling guilty.” Therapist: “Of what crime ..read more

Many people who have to live or work with the chronically angry  feel unprepared to cope with their titanic temper tantrums. When we don’t know what to do when faced with anger, we have an unfortunate tendency to make up our own interventions. This DIY approach  to cope with someone’s monumental rage is usually counter-productive and ineffective.  They only prolong the pain and magnify its destructive consequences.  We are pouring salt in his wound. Here are some common mistakes: 1. Defending our innocence: “But I didn’t do it honey, I swe ..read more

Since the advent of the COVID 19 virus, the landscape of behavioral health has changed significantly. For clients, this includes: An increase in mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, Relational strain Higher incidences of drug and alcohol use For behavioral health specialists this includes: Increased use, or sole use of remote or teletherapy Which increases isolation for the therapist and lack of connection with colleagues and mentors. And an increase in advocacy for greater mental health access and coverage for all. Listen to my interview on the Chicago Psychology Podcast ..read more

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Tips for being a better listener: · Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset. · Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you—from his or her point of view. · Repeat the other person’s words, and ask if you have understood correctly. · Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the person time to think before answering. · Res ..read more

If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. If you don’t understand your deep-seated needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break ..read more

Anger is like fire: it cannot survive without fuel. Like fire, unchecked anger can grow out of control and cause enormous damage and pain. But also like fire, anger can be recognized, controlled and managed in our lives. The fuel that keeps anger burning can come from many sources – from problems at work or at home, from frustrations with the world, from our inability to overcome the challenges we face. But interestingly, one of anger’s biggest fuel sources is self-sabotage – the things we do, perhaps unwittingly, to keep ourselves angry. We might ask, why would we want to be angry? As an emot ..read more