The Work Of a Relationship: Consistent, Persistent, Insistent
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
Getting what we want, what we feel we deserve, and what we hope for often feels out of reach and inconceivable.  This is can be particularly daunting when we consider intimate and loving relationships.  In my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, people have shared with me how they struggle to find the right relationship, or if they are in a good relationship, how to dig deeper and get their needs met.  I hear people talk about changing needs over the course of a relationship and not having the skills or path to connect with their partner about how th ..read more
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2021: A New Word for A New Year
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
For those that have been reading my blog posts for a while, you will recall that I start every year off, not with a set of resolutions, but with a word of the year.  I do not make resolutions because as soon as you miss the mark once, you have failed.  I will go to the gym 3 times each week becomes the source of self-shaming, frustration, and guilt as soon as you do not make the mark (and I venture, that moment usually comes before the end of February.)  Instead, I choose a word that becomes a perspective to set context for the different journeys I will take ..read more
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Want real communication? Transparency versus Honesty!
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
We have all been given false narratives about how we are supposed to communicate in relationship.  These false narratives are often seen as honorable or required, particularly when we are trying to heal a relationship.  Countless couples come into my office and talk about the need for absolute transparency for trust and connection to be restored.  When hurt partners feel the need to know every nuanced experience and feeling as they try to make sense how the relationship has gotten so far afield, they demand transparency.  When the offending partner tries to reconnect and sh ..read more
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An Open Invitation to Live in Horticultural Time
Insight Psychotherapy
by Marion Simoneau
3y ago
As we slide from spring to summer in this scary season of uncertainty, I find myself thinking a lot about Horticultural Time. As a society, we are very used to living by Clock Time: the agreed upon measurements that break up our days, our weeks, our months. We know this is our third month of social isolation, we know we have to be at that Zoom meeting at 3pm, that on Monday it will be June, and that if we stay up past a certain hour it'll make tomorrow morning tough.  These are all important things to know. These are facts based on Clock Time. There are equally important facts based on Ho ..read more
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The Word of the Year
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
Every year, I try to find my “word of the year”.  It is a ritual that helps me to maintain focus, build resiliency, and find my path forward.  In years past, my words have included: intention, curiosity, boundaries, and balance.  Each of these words have become so incorporated into my being, my practice, and my perspective that every decision I make is rooted in these concepts.    This year, my word of the year is “flight”.  It feels like such a powerful word to me.  When I think of flight, the concept of fight or flight comes to me.   It reminds me ..read more
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What is the Affect of Your Effect?
Insight Psychotherapy
by Guest
3y ago
As a writing major in college (with a minor in being an idiot) I Googled many things about grammar, but there was one brain-buster I often went back to: What’s the difference between “affect” and “effect”? Thanks to this Grammar Girl article I finally overcame my idiocy and mastered what I eventually came to understand, is a simple difference. For those that don’t click on random links from strangers, here’s the abridged version: Affect means "to influence.” Effect means "a result." Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the differences between affect and effect and I keep coming back ..read more
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Why do we have to listen?
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
To be an intentional couple, one of the core skills that must be mastered is the art of listening. We have been given gross information about what listening is and how we should do it. Some folks think that they should be making grand facial expressions while mutter “uh huh…”, nodding their head and wrinkling their brow to show that they are listening. But listening is something entirely different. Today we are going to talk about why we listen and how we alter our approaches to listening. We listen for four key reasons: to allow someone to vent, to help them unpack something in their head, to ..read more
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Why We Yell
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
One of the most common complaints I hear from the couples I work with is how much they hate when their partner yells.  It is often met with a denial from the partner that they don’t yell.  This is a challenging problem that must be overcome for a couple to make more progress.  It requires that we ask two critical questions:  What is yelling? Why do we yell? What is yelling?   When a partner denies that they yell, I wonder if they know what they sound like.   I think there are two distinct types of yelling.  The first, is the basic and popular raised ..read more
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Wedding Bells and Tears
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
I always say “Come to couples’ therapy when there is something to work on. It is an easier road than when you wait until you are injured and broken and looking for salvation and healing.” One of the gratifying aspects of being a couples and sex therapist is when a couple decides to come see me when they are building their future rather than when they come to me in distress. Premarital therapy is one of those opportunities where both partners are looking to learn more, grow together and find some open curiosity. However, this can also be a time of great stress and challenging relationships. Fam ..read more
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Scratch Your But!
Insight Psychotherapy
by Elliott Kronenfeld
3y ago
There are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication.  They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves.  I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth.  This is where a small shift can make a big difference! Scratching your but.  When I hear someone trying to validate or give credit to someone's effort and then that word comes out.  "But".  The deadly "but".  It instantly ..read more
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