Hey Google, play “Baby Shark.” Hey Google, play “Baby Shark” again. Hey Google, play “Baby Shark” again and again and again and again, ad infinitum, until we are all hurled ceaselessly into the void. Hey Google, play “BABY SAID” by Måneskin even though I know that’s not actually the song my toddler wants to hear, but the title is similar enough to give me plausible deniability that I’m still giving her what she asked for, and I’ll at least get to hear a few seconds of a different song before she realizes it isn’t “Baby Shark” and starts having a meltdown, prompting me to ask you to play “Baby ..read more

Dear applicant, We regret to inform you that despite the quality of your application, we will not be offering you a position at this time. We know how much time and effort you put into your cover letter and resume, and it showed. Actually, it was probably the best application we read. We really regret the fact that we aren’t offering you the job. We don’t get applicants like you every day. You’re not like all those other people. We should have recognized that when we had the chance. But we didn’t. So we’re writing to let you know we’ve chosen to go a different direction with a different applic ..read more

Welcome to Caruso’s family restaurant! We are an authentic Italian restaurant, bringing the incredible tastes of Sicily right to your neighborhood. Our menu offers a tantalizing array of original and cultivating Italian cuisine, hand-crafted daily in our humble kitchen. To us, the most precious memories in life aren’t remembered in your head. They’re remembered in your stomach. Dine with us today! Our menu? Certainly. Go ahead and click on “Menu” in the upper left hand of the page here. Under that incredibly zoomed-in picture of a fork dangling some pasta, you’ll see the word “Menu.” You find ..read more

My stepdad Art used to say that he wasn’t a stepfather, he was a father who stepped up. So, what is he now that due to my mom’s pending divorce proceedings, he has been forced to step down? To think that blood or marriage are necessary to intertwine the lives of two strangers ignores a whole world of beautiful and unexpected relationships. Just because Art isn’t my stepdad anymore doesn’t mean he has to stop playing an active role in my life. Here are but eight of the many roles my stepdad can play in my life now that my mom has divorced him. 1. A chauffeur who drives me to and from my mom's h ..read more

The Airport Run Realizing he let the love of his life get away, the hero calls an Uber to the airport during peak surge pricing. Twenty-three minutes and $87 later, he jumps into a beat-up sedan that looks nothing like the car on the app, and they pull into rush hour traffic. At the airport, the hero purchases a cheap plane ticket and inches through a series of long, winding security lines. He realizes his dad was right: he really should have purchased TSA PreCheck. Thankfully, he reaches the heroine’s gate with time to spare, because her flight was delayed five hours (and ultimately canceled ..read more

Congratulations. You’ve been bumped up from Triple-A and have officially made it to The Show. “The Show” is what we players call the major leagues, but of course you knew that already—you’re a goddamn baseball player! But you still have a lot to learn, buddy, if you want to stay with us in the Majors. It’s not all caviar and champagne; just some of it—like 40 percent. SHUT UP! Don’t speak. I have a lot to say. First off, you should know who you’re talking to. I’ve been left fielder on this team for 50 years, which means I’ve been around the block a few times, 50 times to be exact. Rumor has it ..read more

For immediate release to the Belleview Homeowners Association: Dear neighbors, First of all, I want to thank everyone who has come by the yard sale and made a purchase. Now that the kids have moved out of the house, it was my pleasure to pass the winter sleds along to Amanda and Tom’s family. Likewise, I was relieved to finally hand off my baseball card collection to the Patterson kiddos. And Randall, I hope you put that fishing rod and tackle box to good use. Catch a big one for me. However, the “For Sale” sign displayed prominently on my lawn has caused quite a stir. Let me be clear: my hous ..read more

Searching for a job is never easy. How do you format a resume when a slight change in font size causes the whole document to melt down? Why do you need six years of experience for an entry-level job? These challenges can send even the most polished job hunter into a tailspin, so it makes sense that many consider grad school to improve their chances of securing a position. If you’re thinking about applying to grad school: don’t. But if you do apply, make sure you’re going for the right reasons. You Love Being in Debt Not everybody was built to make good financial choices. Most people have the n ..read more

   [common woman’s name in the 1970s]   , this town bites.    [same woman’s name]   , we have a real problem, and it’s that    [stage of pregnancy or draft number or both]   . This is a dirty, dirty, bad    [name of small New Jersey town, country, or planet]   , and there are    [type of insect or parasite, plural]    and mites.    [common father’s name in the 1970s]    is going to kill me    [point in time]   , when he finds out about that   &nb ..read more

There comes a time in every white 42-year-old midwestern-born man’s life when he is forced to ask himself the tough questions. Who am I? What do I want? And how do I get people to stop buying me silly socks? Though to be perfectly honest, I am really only concerned with the third question. I do not like silly socks, and I have never liked silly socks. Somewhere along the way, every single person I’ve ever known got the idea that they were the thing I cherished most. It started years ago, when my wife—then girlfriend—bought me a pair of silly socks after we first started dating. I think the spe ..read more