Well, 4+ years later, and I still have the OCD/Anxiety/Depression combo. I take more psych meds than ever. I've been hospitalized twice, tried TMS, and been enrolled in two Intensive Outpatient Programs, one of which made me slightly in favor of DBT and the second, which turned me off, even though that was mostly due to one person mishandling a situation. I'm currently attending the online International OCD Foundation conference. I did in 2020, too. I don't know if I'm more agitated now, or more aware of my agitation. I like to color while listening to presentations, or even organize my ..read more

In some ways, my life has been consistent for the past three years. A good job, Princess the guinea pig. Okay, so the other guinea pig died, I changed churches, but I'm still in the same apartment, and it is still a mess. I still see the same counselor, except not this week. So it is really a jumble of new and old. But the newest change is leaving my job. I can't tell you how sad it makes me. I stay up late at night, then am exhausted at my job the next day. I love the people I work with, and I have been doing this sort of work for nearly ten years. Also, I'm the one making this decision; no ..read more

It has been almost a year since I have posted! It doesn't seem that long. At this point, I have finished my masters degree (!) and am in that annoying transition time where I find out what I will (or won't) be doing with my degree as fall approaches. This particular anxiety is more of a human anxiety than a disorder. Of course I am anxious about looking for a job that would use my new degree. Who wouldn't be? (I'm sure there are some exceptional people who would not be so anxious, but I also do not think the anxiety is abnormal). Somehow, that has not made the anxiety much easier to handle ..read more

Today, I saw my psychiatrist. He is an interesting man. He appears very, very sure of himself and also sure of my abilities. But somehow this just resulted in me feeling unheard. When talking to a psychiatrist, I try to let down my guard to let them see in, let them know what is going on. Sometimes, they respond helpfully. But there are a few responses that I am not so fond of. Like, "You can't let that bother you in your line of work." Seriously? I give you an example of anxiety getting in my way at work, and you tell me I can't let it bother me? Well, you can't let your cough hurt your thro ..read more

When seeing my counselor this week, she commented on my anxiety being less. I was feeling quite tired, so I figured I just wasn't showing it. But then she commented on the difference between how anxious I was when I started seeing her compared to now. I've been thinking about that. When I started seeing her, I was just learning to recognize anxiety and OCD and even depression. Now, I get that yucky anxious feeling and recognize it. I think, oh, no, another anxiety attack. I know that high anxiety does not have to be normal life. I know it takes extra energy and I can recognize at least some o ..read more

Today, I did a little homework, tried to help a friend, had lunch with family, said goodbye to a family member whose visit ended, did a little shopping, had a little trouble with my parking skills, missed a friend who moved away, temporarily called it quits and curled up on my couch, worked on a puzzle, and watched Netflix. I don't know if it has to do with starting another 5 week summer session of graduate classes, or staring at the uncertainty of how I'm going to make schedules work with classes the rest of the year, or having friends move away, or just plain, stupid, depression with a side ..read more

Well, I've spent many hours partially on homework. I know that sounds a bit off. But I haven't exactly been focusing the whole time. I've also been taking breaks to watch tv shows or videos or do anything that isn't homework. They say depression influences your thinking and cognitive abilities. It is, therefore, an easy scapegoat if not an actual reason I am having trouble with my homework. I'm doing okay on facts. Give me a true/false or multiple choice question on anything I've read this past month, and I can likely get the answer right (unless you ask me which article the information is fr ..read more

I'm just recovering from bronchitis. Last week passed in a blur. I worked most days, had a fever most nights, took lots of pain reliever/fever reducer medication, got the most essential schoolwork done, and watched Netflix. I was sick enough that OCD usually left me alone. This week, I'm feeling better. Which means OCD/anxiety/depression re-enter the picture. The monsters. Today, I took off work to get more schoolwork done. And what do I do first off? I sleep through nearly the entire morning. It is quite probable that this sleep will help me get over bronchitis, thus not being a waste of tim ..read more

Last night, I dreamed that someone broke into my garage. They mixed my stuff up and even took the garage door down. And they left me a baby. I called the police, and they already knew I had the baby. I was given a contract to sign, but I got to keep the baby, at least for now. And not too long later, I woke up, and it was Mother's Day. People are funny (funny strange). Some call every women a mother of some sort, which I can sort of go for. Someone called my job (childcare worker) that of being a professional mom. I know it is very different from having your own kids, but I can complain about ..read more

It has been a while. I guess I got tired of blogging for a while. We'll see how well I like coming back. I started putting puzzles together again. I used to think that 500 piece puzzles were too hard, but I did one yesterday and one today, so maybe those unrelated graduate classes are paying off. Change coming my way again. I struggle with change. My depression thinks it is the perfect opportunity to launch another attack of depressed cognitive distortions. And my anxiety - well, it is hard to keep track of that. Maybe it's taking a vacation. I'm hungry because I decided to eat cereal for s ..read more