When I was 14 My parents let me date a boy. Tommy. He was sweet and I had no clue what it meant. It meant kisses and hugs. All the things I was starving for. I met Tommy at the skating rink. I had no idea what such a predator was waiting in the midst. This is my story. the one I have waited 25 years to tell. Im done waiting. Now is the time to tell it all. and I mean all ..read more

In March of 2011, our son James died at 22 weeks gestation. He died. He was to be our third child. Hope, John, and James. John and James were called the sons of thunder in the bible. When we chose his name, I thought, What a prophetic image of powerful brothers In Christ! But, James died before he was even born. This was the beginning of the horrific P.T.S.D. that had not surfaced in years. My son Noah had been murdered 9 years prior to 2011. The death of James had triggered some long buried horrific images and memories that became an instant hell in my reality. When I came home from the hosp ..read more

There is this horrible ripping apart of our families, friends, children, and spouses when our children are diagnosed with cancer. My son has brain cancer. He was 3 when he was diagnosed. I moved into the hospital and lived there for 6 weeks after my sons’ surgery.  From the PICU, then to the cancer ward. I was in such shock, I actually forgot I had another child at home. But, you see, it is a lot to digest when hospital language is thrown at us in a rapid pace. We are seeing a lot of people, but not a lot want to talk about anything that pulls the full experience together. At firs ..read more

My postings have been a bit raw lately. It has actually been a very good summer. I love it when the kids make things for me at school. I save everything. Well, one day John John gave me this ripped up paper. At first, I did not understand what it said. So, I asked him.”Mom, I made you this sign. You keep it, ok? ” Ok, no problem dude. I laid it down on my lap and depicted the lines of a song. It read, will you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if i saw you in heaven? I think my heart shattered looking at that piece of paper. We don’t talk about it. When I hear of ano ..read more

I have been noticeably absent for the last few months. It seems that the complexities of my life have engulfed me, chewed me up, and spit me out. Exhaustion and apathy have won. The veritable pace I have been living life at has come to a much needed screeching halt. I sit back and think to myself, how do you really bring people far enough into your world that they can catch a glimpse of understanding? I was driving to my shrinks office today, letting my mind wander through traffic lights and cars speeding past. I sifted through the layers upon layers in my heart and tried desperately to turn ..read more

This summer is almost over. It is hard to believe. Two weeks from tomorrow and I will be taking those cheesy first day of school photos. So, I will start with the big news. STABLE MRI! Whoah, slow that down for a min. What does that mean? Technically, John is terminal. He was predicted to be dead two and a half years ago. Technically, John’s cancer began to spread again 2 years ago. Technically, stable means that cancer is doing absolutely NOTHING. It is not behaving as normal brain cancer would. It is just sitting there hanging out…….for over two years. What does this mean? PRAISE GOD, THAT’S ..read more

So, today was a routine MRI to check for new brain cancer in John John. We have had so many debacles with the hospital. They classified him for general anesthesia only. Uh…..no….that is not happening. I fought for three weeks to get it acknowledged that he is indeed a candidate for the propOfol protocol at the Berger Center at CHOP. So, MRI scheduled for today. Now, we have had emergent reactions to pentobarbital for a year now. I finally put my foot down and said never again. It was terrifying for me and for this poor kid. I have been punched, kicked, clawed to blood, and head butted du ..read more

This post is very difficult for me. I am trying to not disclose what the real deal is. I lost my car this week. The red wiggles van. We are downsizing. I am very sad to say goodbye to the only new thing I ever owned. so, goodbye red wiggles van…. I am sad and sorry all at the same time. there is no sadder than i am now. Faith   ..read more

I have struggled since November with some sort of elusive illness. It has attacked my left shoulder and elbow. It has gone into my chest and back on that side. It has since traveled to my other shoulder and hips sometimes. It is an agonizing pain that does not let up. It hurts me to my very core and I have limited life function since this has happened. I have not been able to type or relay the massive miscommunications turned into personal vendettas this has caused. It has been a mess. A real mess. Of personal relationships I did not understand the misfirings of and vindictiveness I never fath ..read more

  So, my day was legitimately defunct today. But, we serve a funny funny God. Sometimes I think my tears of sorrow will never stop only to find myself laughing. You know, I am passionate about feelings. I don’t think people who have never been to the abyss can truly say they know the top. When your at the bottom, the only direction you can look is up, right? So, in my memories today with my face truly sucked face first into facebook, there was the stark reminder of a day 5 years ago that ended in death and agony. I am a person of paradoxes, I’m from the south after all. I was 22 weeks pr ..read more