The Feeling Griefy podcast!
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
1y ago
This blog is slightly different than normal, as it is introducing something else I have been working on… a podcast!  It’s something I feel nervous to share because it’s really quite personal, but it’s also something I am proud to share. Because it is an attempt to explore the nitty gritty of grief. The minutiae of a feeling I wanted to google after my Mum died when I was 20, and it dawned on me that I even though I was technically ‘grieving’, I had no idea what that actually meant. podcast thumbnail lino print designed by amelia Mccurdy (inspired by my coffee and croissant moments for mu ..read more
Visit website
Five years of feeling griefy
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
2y ago
When someone asks me how I am feeling, and I am in a state of more acutely missing my mum, it can be hard to know what to say. I can’t exactly go: ‘Oh I’m just currently experiencing a big wave of grief, how about you?’ because that just sounds a bit ridiculous. But I also don’t want to reply with the more palatable: ‘I’m ok’ because that’s just not true. So, I’ve begun to say I feel a bit ‘griefy’. It allows me a degree of sincerity, but not at the cost of making things awkward. ‘Griefy’ is my more-frequent-than-flu, but less-frequent-than-hunger, state of being. It peppers my days and weeks ..read more
Visit website
Grief is Pants
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
2y ago
When I was 16, I asked if Santa could get me some nice pants. I didn’t mean really fancy pants, but I equally didn’t mean pink polka dot cotton pants. Santa got me the latter; a pack of four of them from M&S. Along with a pink polka dot pair, I got some stripy bright orange ones, ones with blue and pink stars and a lime green pair with orange trim (the least offensive). Upon opening, I realised I maybe should have been a bit more specific. If I had younger sisters, I might have thought there had been a mix up. This had happened very occasionally throughout the years when, as I began to unw ..read more
Visit website
The Evolution of Grief; Four Years On
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
3y ago
For the first few months without Mum, I saw grief as an annoying younger sibling that wouldn’t leave me alone (and from which I got very good at dodging). It pestered me for attention. Like the nonchalant nods and ‘ahhhs’ adults might give kids to feign interest in what they are doing, I would occasionally acknowledge ‘it’ when I spoke to other people. I’d half-heartedly mention I would ‘give myself some time’ (whatever that meant) and smiled when people said I should let myself be sad. I didn’t want to tell them I wasn’t that sad at all because then they might think I didn ..read more
Visit website
Three years on: Remembering Mum
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
4y ago
This is a blog all about my wonderful Mum. I worry that in writing about grief she becomes a ‘third person’ and quite abstract, so I want to humanise her. As well as being a hugely passionate and articulate maternal healthcare campaigner (see the Guardian obituary below), she was also a bit forgetful and sometimes clumsy. She loved seafood and lattes and Scandinavian crime dramas and hated scary movies and getting her headphones in a tangle. I want to tell you about these things that made up the littler parts of her. I want to give you an impression of my hugely fierce and energetic mother who ..read more
Visit website
A year out
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
4y ago
Two days after Mum died, I deleted all of our messages. The image of me lying on my bed, sobbing and woefully scrolling through every text conversation we ever had made me feel sick. It felt like the worst possible torture to be able to access something that gave a sense of immediacy and ‘reply’ but was now just another acknowledgement of a definite end to a conversation. It was also disorientating to think that I could still ring Mum’s phone or send her a text. That even though Mum no longer existed, her phone and that virtual space for conversation did. When I swiped my finger across the scr ..read more
Visit website
A holiday for Mum
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
4y ago
A week before Mum died, Dad and I were sat on her bed trying to get our heads around what was happening. Mum was about to go into hospital to have her abdomen drained of the liquid that had built up. This is called ascites and a sure sign that the liver is struggling (although it is only on reflection that I will admit this). Suddenly, everything was feeling a bit out of our control. I was sat by Mum’s feet at the end of the bed while dad lay next to her. I felt sick. I had butterflies in my tummy that were making me all jittery in anticipation for the conversation that was coming. I wanted t ..read more
Visit website
Googling Grief
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
5y ago
I had never spoken to anyone about grief and what it might be like if mum died, mostly because I would never acknowledge this possibility enough for a conversation.  It was a word I knew was related to death, but I thought that it just equated to missing someone, and crying that they have died. What I certainly didn’t expect to feel when mum died, was relief. That was one of the few emotions I could accurately label. This pressure that had built and built and built was finally relieved. The worst had happened. I didn’t have to worry about anyone immediately, and after two years of worrying abo ..read more
Visit website
Two years on
Cancer is Pants Blog
by Ella Howes
5y ago
I dreamt of mum nearly every night for months after she died. In the dreams she would be in her final days and we would all be very aware of it; much more than we actually were in real life.  I’d be distraught and overcome with the knowledge that time was running out and I only had ‘x’ amount of days left of mum being alive. I felt this huge pressure to do something with that time and would often wake in the morning with a really sad and heavy feeling that would take a moment to place. naked swim spot (in greece ..read more
Visit website

Follow Cancer is Pants Blog on FeedSpot

Continue with Google
Continue with Apple
OR