Whenever Abraham Lincoln felt the need to give someone a piece of his mind, he would fire off a harsh letter. Putting pen to paper was his way of unloading his fury. A classic example is the scathing note he penned to General George C. Meade, who he blamed for failing to capture Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg. Lincoln was “distressed immeasurably” by Meade’s failure but Meade never learned of Lincoln’s immeasurable distress. Instead, Lincoln put the note in a drawer with the label “Never sent. Never signed.” He made a habit of writing “hot letters” but never sending them. It ..read more

Toxic is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days. As a psychiatrist, I hear it frequently during therapy sessions—to describe parents, siblings, neighbors, exes and co-workers. Once primarily used to describe plants, arrows and chemicals, toxic—which is defined as “poisonous”—only recently started being applied to people. Self-help books and Britney Spears’s hit song certainly contributed to its journey from the literal to the metaphorical. In 2018, Oxford Dictionaries chose it as the word of the year. Social media is full of tips on how to spot a toxic person. Toxic people are typical ..read more

Have you ever met someone who has actually achieved work-life balance? I haven’t. As Oliver Burkeman wrote in the best-selling book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals: “Nobody in the history of humanity has ever achieved ‘work-life balance,’ whatever that might be and you certainly won’t get there by copying the ‘six things successful people do before 7 a.m.’” Rather than striving for optimal time management, he advises us to make peace with the reality that there will never be enough time to do all the things we would like to do. Put simply, he argues, it’s time ..read more

It is no wonder that my patient felt drained after spending a weekend with an old friend who was known to be a relentless complainer. Grumbling about what’s bothering you may feel like a good idea but studies show it can do more harm than good—to both the grumbler and the person on the receiving end of the grumbling.  As Arthur Brooks recently highlighted in the Atlantic: The problem with all of this kvetching is that it can feel therapeutic—but it typically isn’t. Although complaining might offer temporary relief, it’s bad for your happiness in the long run. Polish researchers ..read more

The Good Fight Call me cynical but I worry whenever I hear a couple say, “we never argue.” Tiptoeing around disagreements might feel good in the short term, but in the long run undermines the quality of the relationship. The pressure to have a fairytale romance is more intense than ever thanks to social media. If one were to believe all the gushing posts about people’s significant other, it would be impossible to imagine anything other than a blissful frictionless co-existence. Cue the champagne and roses. Contrary to what social media leads us to believe, perfect harmony is not  ..read more

“Being impacted by being what happened to you isn’t victimhood, it’s human. Making an identity out of it is victimhood.” — Seerut Chawla The stories we tell about ourselves shape the people we become. If we fixate on how we have been wronged, we become wound collectors—stuck in the past and awash in grievances. Focusing on fragility overshadows our capability to overcome adversity. Making an identity out of the bad things that happen to us can result in a preoccupation with victimhood, leaving an individual stuck in a vortex of finger pointing, self-focus, and rumination. Those with ..read more

While it might be human to make mistakes, we are often reluctant to admit to them. When it comes to taking responsibility, we waffle, come up with excuses, or point the finger at someone else. Avoidance and denial are frequently the default response. We worry that admitting we were wrong will damage our reputation, diminish our standing, and perhaps even raise questions about our character. But research suggests this is not the case at all. In fact, acknowledging mistakes increases forgiveness and enhances perceptions of intelligence, competence, and decency. A study f ..read more

Words hold power. The more we talk about what inspires us, the more inspired we become. The more we talk about what diminishes us, the smaller we feel. What we say shapes our expectations, our reality, and our relationships. Language can limit or expand how we think and interact. Consider the phrases that roll off your tongue. Do they shut others down or invite them to open up? Do they invite or extinguish conversation? Do they promote curiosity or entrench certainty? What we say speaks volumes. Use language that elevates, connects, and illuminates. Kick off 2024 by saying more of the followi ..read more

Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and like a waste of time. We can all agree that talking about the weather is not interesting unless you are speaking to a meteorologist and a hurricane is on the way. Contrary to conventional advice to “keep it light,” studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being. There are two main explanations for this—we are ..read more

“We are what we repeatedly do.” —Aristotle Your answers to these seven questions have serious implications for your mental health: Do you get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep a night? How much junk food do you consume? Do you make time for friends and family? Do you exercise regularly? How many hours a day do you sit at your desk? Do you smoke cigarettes? How much alcohol do you consume? A new study published in Nature Mental Health found that a healthy lifestyle can prevent depression, even in those who had a genetic predisposition. While pharmaceutical advertisements have led man ..read more