Ten Things I Have Learned in My First Year as a School Mum
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
1. Schools still smell the same as they did in the 90s. Like PVA glue mixed with cabbage.  2. It doesn’t matter how nice they are, teachers make you feel like you are ten. You'll want to impress them and, despite being a fully-functioning adult who left primary school decades ago, you will find yourself at parents’ evening sitting on Borrower-sized chairs worrying that you’re about to get told off. Yes, Miss. 3. Your level of parental organisation will have a direct correlation with where you are in the school year. For the first few weeks, when you are as keen as mustard, a crisp uni ..read more
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Dear Anna: a Response to that Daily Mail 'Article'
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
Dear Anna May Mangan, I would usually start a letter with some textbook niceties, perhaps 'I hope this finds you well' or something about the weather, but I am just about to stick some fish fingers in the oven and crack open another bottle of Sauv Blanc, so I'll cut to the chase.  When I woke up this morning I discovered I had an unusually high number of social media notifications alongside several 'Have you seen the Mail Online, yet?' messages. A couple of years ago, this early morning flurry of online activity would almost ce ..read more
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Chaos Theory
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
This morning, when I got back from doing the school run, I unlocked the door, awkwardly shimmied past Jude’s pram and Henry’s scooter - both of which appear to be permanently wedged in our hallway (a standoff over who should clean the mud-encrusted wheels) – and then, in a slapstick Tom & Jerry style move, I trod on PC Selby’s police car (one of several Postman Pat toys young Jude received in his stocking from the big FC) and I went flying, travelling at least a metre towards the stairs with my arms flailing. Had it not been for the pram, which I grabbed hold of on my way to the floor, I t ..read more
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The Unnecessary Pressure of Christmas
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
Last year I had a bit of a moan about how fancy Christmas is getting. I questioned the necessity of Christmas Eve boxes and slagged off Panettone because I was feeling nostalgic about Viennetta. This year? Well, this year I’m feeling pretty much the same so it looks like an annual ‘What the fuck has happened to Christmas?’ blog might be on the cards. This isn’t a Scroogey post, though – far from it, in fact, I’m a massive fan of Christmas – but earlier this week I found myself getting stressed over all the impressive things other people are doing/planning that I haven’t been doing/plann ..read more
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Here We Are, Then (Henry Starts School)
The Unmumsy Mum
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3y ago
I considered not writing this post at all, suspecting that whatever I typed would fast become a Starting School cliché (“Where has the time gone? I can’t bear it!” yadda yadda yadda). But I have been a walking mess of emotions for the past few weeks and shy of hiding in the fridge sobbing into Dairylea triangles (again) I didn’t really know where else to go with it. [Spoiler alert: this post is one hundred per cent a Starting School cliché, seasoned school parent pros need read no further]. The truth is, I have looked ahead to this moment many times over the last four years and I quite h ..read more
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Why Parenthood Is Nothing Like I Imagined
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
Not so long ago somebody asked me whether life as a parent was ‘everything I imagined it would be’ and I laughed so hard that food came out of my nose. ‘Oh yes,’ I replied, after realising that this was, in fact, a genuine question. ‘It’s everything I imagined it would be and more,’ adding a slight grimace which I hoped delivered the honest subtext of ‘Absofuckinglutely not.’ Remarking on all the failed expectations of parenthood is actually one of my favourite pastimes. Not in a ‘Wow, look at all the things I hoped I would do/say/be as a parent, I’m none of them hahaha!’ way but j ..read more
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One for the Bloggers! Get Your (Blog) Name Out There
The Unmumsy Mum
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3y ago
Are you a parent blogger with something to say? Are you longing to shout your musings about weaning/episiotomies/playground politics/any-other-topic from the rooftops of the interweb? Maybe you have just started toying with the idea of starting a blog and need a gentle nudge to take the plunge? If you are nodding along to any of these things then listen up and listen good. This is your nudge. I am nudging because for some time now I have been spectacularly failing at replying to all the emails and messages I receive from parents who are asking for my advice about starting a blog, or aski ..read more
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The Extraordinary Ordinary (Life Is Not a Movie)
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
This evening I went out for a jog. When I say ‘out for a jog’ I mean I walked around the park at the end of my road at a pace slightly faster than my usual stride, which is hardly a challenge given that my usual stride is one step forwards and five steps into somebody else’s garden chasing a feral toddler. How fast I was bumbling around the park tonight is kind of irrelevant to this post, I’m just setting the scene, as it was during this uninterrupted walking time that I started thinking about life. Life in general. Everyday life. And how all too often there is build up and expectation a ..read more
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Cherish Every Moment? No. My Advice For Brand New Parents
The Unmumsy Mum
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3y ago
I was asked last week what advice, if any, I would give to brand new parents. I couldn’t help but think back to myself as a new mum. It made me feel a bit sad. The New Mum Me was a bundle of self-doubt. She wasn’t doing anything right. She wasn’t cut out for it. Her baby deserved better. She was failing. The New Mum Me once stood in the shower with her fingers in her ears, crying, trying to drown out the sound of the nursery rhyme CD which in turn was drowning out the sound of the screaming baby she could not settle. When her husband returned home she could only recall the ..read more
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An Alternative Fireman Sam Script
The Unmumsy Mum
by
3y ago
[Dilys Price is chatting to Trevor Evans inside her shop] Dilys: Oh Trevor, I’ve been having dreams about you and what we could get up to on your bus. [Trevor, clearly uncomfortable about her sexual advances, is saved by the shop door flying open. Fireman Sam enters dragging Norman Price in by his ear] Fireman Sam: I’m afraid Norman has been up to no good again, Dilys. I found him skateboarding between cars down at the harbour, he almost caused a pile-up. Dilys: Norman Price! What have I told you about skateboarding between cars? You silly boy. Norman: Sorry mam. Fireman Sam: S ..read more
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