Splendour in the Grass to Be Replaced by “4,000 Poker Machines in the Grass”
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1h ago
A consortium of gaming companies has taken over Splendour in the Grass, saying they are simply following the standard operating model for the hospitality industry. “This is an exciting new development for Splendour,” a spokesperson for the consortium said. “We’ll be making just a few small tweaks to the format – taking away the artists, their instruments, the stages and the food stalls and replacing them with 4,000 highly-addictive gaming machines. Punters will hardly notice the difference”. He said his industry had a lot of experience in making live music profitable.  “You just take away ..read more
Visit website
Community Groups Call for Alice Springs Curfew to Be Extended to Canberra
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1h ago
Canberra residents say an Alice-Springs-style curfew is required to curb anti-social behaviour in the city. The call comes following a spate of drunken incidents in the city’s streets, as well as in Parliament House, with some residents saying the situation is getting out of control. “You can’t walk past a flower bed or into a Senate Committee Hearing these days without being subjected to some drunk person babbling on incoherently,” one Canberra resident said. While the Alice Springs curfew applies to residents under the age of 18, the Canberra version would apply to those over 50. “That’s whe ..read more
Visit website
Armaguard Driver Reckons He Can Think of Way for Company to Avoid Bankruptcy
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1h ago
With his company on the brink of bankruptcy, a driver for cash-delivery service Armaguard says he reckons he could think of a way for the company to avoid going under. “I don’t want to give too much away, but I’ve heard the company needs truckloads of cash if it’s to avoid bankruptcy,” driver Callum Hannebery said. “Like we’re talking literally bags and bags of money”. The company, which delivers cash to Australia’s major retailers, says it has sought loans and other lines of credit, but has exhausted all avenues of funding. “I’ve just got a cheeky feeling there might be another way,” Hanneber ..read more
Visit website
AWKWARD! Boeing CEO’s Arm Falls Off Midway Through Resignation Speech
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
The resignation of Boeing chief Dave Calhoun in Seattle has been thrown into chaos after the 66-year-old’s arm fell off mid sentence. “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my staff and … oh, sorry it appears that hasn’t been put on properly,” Calhoun said, reaching to pick up the limb as it fell to the floor. Calhoun tried to reassure shocked onlookers, saying it was normal for his body parts to fall off from time to time. “It’s totally fine. You guys get so worked up every time something falls off. I can still function at 100%,” he said, reaching for a glass of water before realising he ..read more
Visit website
AFL Matches Cancelled After Players Mistakenly Snort Up Boundary Lines
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
This weekend’s AFL matches at the MCG will not go ahead, after a ‘misunderstanding’ that saw the boundary lines and 50 metre arcs disappear. A group of unnamed players admitted they got confused at a mid-week training session and thought someone had racked up a massive line of coke for them. “We’re running laps and I look down and I see this fat line of nose candy,” one player explained. “I’m thinking, I don’t want to miss this opportunity, so I immediately snort it. Turns out it was white paint. It’s an easy mistake to make”. He said things escalated quickly after the first line. “Between the ..read more
Visit website
Submarine-Shaped Public Housing Proposed, in Attempt to Attract More Government Funding
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
In a desperate bid to lure the Federal Government into addressing the housing crisis, welfare rights groups have proposed new submarine-shaped public housing blocks, which they say will lead to hundreds of billions of dollars in extra funding. “The trick is not to tell policy makers that they’re houses,” campaigner Natalie Kusama said. “Instead we’ll say they’re high-tech military devices personally approved by the US President. The money will flow immediately”. It is expected the plan could net up to $350 billion, which could fund as many as a million new homes. “We’ll probably have to agree ..read more
Visit website
Libertarian Who Says We Should Rely Less on Government Is Strangely Reliant on Government
The Shovel
by The Shovel
4d ago
A Melbourne man who has argued for his whole career that Australians should get governments out of their life, is desperately trying to get the government back into his. Tim Wilson, 44, won pre-selection for the Victorian seat of Goldstein this weekend, after being forced to spend the past two years without Government assistance. “I couldn’t do it. It turns out I’m totally dependent on the Government for my livelihood and sense of self,” Wilson admitted to The Shovel. Wilson lost to Independent Zoe Daniel at the 2022 Federal election. “I’ve been wandering around totally lost ever since. Withou ..read more
Visit website
Australians Terrified of Trump Presidency: “Kevin Rudd Could Move Back to Australia”
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Australians are praying against a Donald Trump victory at November’s US elections, after the former President revealed he would send Kevin Rudd back to Australia if elected. Human rights groups say this could be the most chilling proposal yet from Trump. “Sure, the prospect of nuclear war and the end of Western democracy under Trump is frightening. But not as frightening as having Australia’s 26th Prime Minister swanning around Brisbane spouting smarmy pretend-ocker bullshit. That’s an existential threat,” Lara Holmes, a spokesperson from a human rights advocacy group said. “To inflict that ty ..read more
Visit website
This Foetus Bought Its First Investment Property at Just 12 Weeks Old. Here’s How It Did It
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
A 12-week-old foetus has become Australia’s youngest landlord after it bought a 4-bedroom investment property in Melbourne. The proud parents say the foetus was able to buy the property by pooling pocket money, savings from odd jobs and a $850,000 contribution from them. “We want to teach our children that, even if you’re not born yet, it’s never too early to start implementing good savings habits,” father John said. “Little Ella (official name TBC) has really got into the spirit of saving and investing. While other foetuses her age are just lying about doing nothing, she’s been earning money ..read more
Visit website
Russian Election: Putin Scrapes In With Just 101% Of Vote
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Russian President Vladimir Putin has narrowly retained office, obtaining just over two out of every two votes in the recent national elections. It is a disappointing result for Mr Putin, who won 117% of the vote at the last election. The Russian leader also lost 80% of his opponents during the campaign. In a speech to the nation, Mr Putin said he wanted to govern for all Russians, even those who hadn’t voted for him, who he urged to COME FORWARD IMMEDIATELY. He also thanked his opponents, saying they had worked hard to provide the appearance of viable alternatives. Former US President Donald T ..read more
Visit website

Follow The Shovel on FeedSpot

Continue with Google
Continue with Apple
OR