Six knobheads that will never reply to your message
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1h ago
ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards. The one you made arrangements with Whether it’s a date with cold feet or a flaky friend, this knobhead will ignore your final quick message to confirm without even the courtesy of a bullshit excuse like ‘My cat’s suffering from ennui’. Now you’ve gone to the trouble of having a shower and putting on nice clothes, but at least you’ll look good buying consolatory booze in Tesco Express. Shame your chat-up options are limited to the old biddy transfixed by ..read more
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Thames Water also full of shit
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
4h ago
THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised. The company, which is demanding the right to raise bills by 50 per cent as compensation for providing a terrible service, is not only talking total shit but is packed with shit as an investment. Market analyst Julian Cook said: “Thames Water is in the shit because of its inability to deal with its shit, both real and metaphorical. It is, in every sense, a shit business. “When you’re paid to treat sewage and instead you’re pumping 72 billion litres of i ..read more
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John Lennon, and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
4h ago
CAN you imagine the famously gobby John Lennon if he had been let loose on Twitter? Here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us. John Lennon John Lennon thoroughly enjoyed provoking people, such as when he told an American journalist in 1968 that the Beatles were ‘more popular than Jesus’. If he was alive now and had access to Twitter he’d have several million followers and be firing off controversial opinions left, right and centre. Alternatively he might have mellowed and be showbiz mates with Noel Gallagher. Neither would be good. Diana, P ..read more
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‘Suck it till your hymen pops’: Subtle clues that P Diddy had unsavoury views toward women
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
4h ago
SEAN ‘Diddy’ Combs is facing serious accusations including holding ‘sex-trafficking parties’. But was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women? ‘Suck it till your hymen pops’ The track Swagga Like Puff contains this strange instruction. We’re pretty sure sucking a penis has a negligible effect on a woman’s internal body pressure, and it wouldn’t affect their hymen anyway, assuming they have one. Apart from being weird and horrible, it suggests Diddy would make a terrible scientist and an even worse gynaecologist.  I Need a Girl (To Bella) This mawkish tu ..read more
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Retro gaming console offers amazing opportunity to play something shit
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
22h ago
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We ask you: how are you celebrating raw sewage spills doubling in a year?
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them?  Steve Malley, gardener: “I’ll be taking the kids down to the seaside this weekend for an Easter shite-shoot. It’s like clay pigeon shooting, but more earthy and real.” Josh Gardner, social media manager: “Somebody had to stop the liberal elite craze for wild swimming. I applaud the water companies for stepping up.” Joanna Kramer, percussionist: “If processed food is bad, so are processed turds. That’s logic.” Frankie Johnson, teacher: “Back ..read more
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Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged. 32-year-old Tom Booker still assumed that children were a drunken mistake resulting from a split condom, and not the intentional next step for his friends in happy long-term relationships and marriages. He said: “When did the rules change? I could’ve sworn all of my mates were going to great lengths to deliberately stop this exact thing from happening only yesterday. “I thought we all agreed that babies were unaffordable, noisy, smelly, and would put an end to our fre ..read more
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Bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
BRITONS have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier. Rather than containing a proud display of their owner’s vast knowledge, bookcases have become looming visual representations of their laziness and idiocy. Nathan Muir, aged 31, said: “I really thought I was the kind of person who reads the entire Booker shortlist, so I bought them all. Turns out none of them are as engaging as Netlix. “Then I decided I was uptight and middle class enough to read Ultra-Processed People, which I went so far as to pull off the sh ..read more
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Papa John’s, and other chains with too much American bollocks for Britain
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
PIZZA chain Papa John’s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the UK, and the twee American name must surely have something to do with it. Here are some more with too much colonial nonsense. Subway The sandwiches are okay but not amazing, but the really off-putting thing is how the name desperately tries to convince you you’re having an authentic experience in the heart of bustling New York. If you’ve been on the actual subway you’ll realise it’s old, gloomy and gives you the sinking feeling of being in a Deathwish film. Recently they found a severed human leg on a train in the Bronx ..read more
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North Korean TV shows Alan Titchmarsh naked from the waist down
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
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